What a week...

So, I arrived at school on Tuesday to discover that one of my students had been in a terrible accident. He was riding his bike and got hit by a truck. He had emergency brain surgery and they had to remove part of his brain, due to swelling. That morning, the doctors were saying that he would not survive. By Wednesday morning, there had been some improvement. He was somewhat responsive (moving hands and feet slightly on command). The nurses started calling him "the 1%-er." Doctors are still guarded about his prognosis. Obviously, this will be a long road, no matter what.

I just can't help thinking about his family and the neighbor who hit him. By all accounts it was a complete accident, my student's fault. The car was not speeding or driving recklessly in any way. I just can't imagine...

About mid-day on Tuesday, my voice decided to leave. I couldn't talk. I wasn't even yelling at my students! It actually happened during my planning period. I felt fine, but when I woke up Wednesday, I still had no voice and I felt terrible, so I called into work to get a substitute. I'm still out today, and I actually feel even worse. I still have to go to our Open House tonight, though. I'm not looking forward to it. The math teacher is always in trouble with the parents.

My temperature worries were much ado about nothing. True, my last couple charts had higher temps, but when I looked back further, I saw plenty that weren't. Just something obsess about. Now, we just wait a few more days and try not to get our hopes up. And yes, I will admit that I googled to see if laryngitis could be a pregnancy symptom...lame. (In case you were wondering, it's not.)

What in the world?

I woke up a little earlier than usual and took my temperature - 97.59...I never have had a post O temp lower that 98 degrees. I have no idea what that means. I took it again later and it was 97.8, which is still low for me. I recorded that one because it makes me feel better and keeps Fertility Friend from taking away my cross hairs. My temperatures after ovulation have been altogether lower. I'm not sure what to think, but it's a little frustrating. Could I not have ovulated? I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow...

So I really got spoiled last week. I only had one day with students and we were on a 2 hour delay. Now, I'm getting ready for a very full week. Thursday is our open house and I know that I will see a lot of parents that aren't happy with me. The math teacher is always in trouble! It's going to be a long week.

Hope

I guess it's that kind of day. The inauguration was so inspiring. It is encouraging to see so many people taking an interest in the political process and getting involved in new ways. I hope that the enthusiasm can continue.

I had a long weekend and a short workday due to snow and a positive OPK, so it's time to work on the baby-making project again. DH is going for his SA in 2 weeks and I'm really nervous. We've been on a sex fast until the a positive OPK, so I was really happy to see the smiley face!

I just reconnected with a high school friend on Facebook. We chatted for awhile and he revealed (without prompting or questioning from me) that they had fertility problems, but now have 6 year old triplets! Wow! Triplets would be some kind of challenge!

I pray that I can remain hopeful and positive, no matter what happens with this cycle, or with DH's SA or with whatever comes our way in the coming months. We're starting to have tough conversations about what we'll do next if we don't conceive and trying to wrap our brains around all kinds of possibilities. We are so fortunate to live in a country where we have so many options (but I still really hope I don't need any of them!).

Next Steps...

DH decided to make an appointment for an SA. I'm happy and terrified at the same time. What if nothing is wrong? What if something is wrong? He's nervous, but I'm proud of him for making that call. He already has a relationship with a urologist, so that made it easier, I think. Plus, I think that he wanted to feel like he was doing something. He's had two infections that, by all accounts, shouldn't impact fertility, but still make us nervous. He goes in at the beginning of February. My annual OBGYN appointment is at the end of March, so that's when we'll start considering what to do on my end.

Until then, we just keep doing what we're doing, I guess. I didn't really temp last cycle. I can't decide whether I want to this cycle or not. I've gotten better at reading my body and actually only used 2 OPK's last month. I'm still rather in the dumps right now (not to mention exhausted and crampy). I'll figure it out when I'm more rational in a few days.

Will we ever be parents?

That's what my husband asked me after I told him that I had started spotting and stopped sobbing. My answer was that of course we would, but that the journey might be longer and more complicated than we thought. I haven't wrapped my brain around that myself yet either.

I always tell myself that I'm not going to get my hopes up, but I just can't help it. I know that lots of couples have been at this way longer than us and have gone through so much more. I'm just not sure what our next steps will be. I'm not ready to have "next steps." We've talked about it, and I know we have different feelings about what to do next. I'm frustrated and tired and scared and I feel like a failure. I know it's ridiculous and irrational, but it's how I feel right now.

He asked if he should call to set up a semen analysis. I told him that it was his call. Whether he wanted to do it now, or wait until it had been officially one year, I would support him. I have mixed feelings, too. While I know that we need to know what issues we may have, I'm also terrified of finding out.

I had a pretty rotten day at school to top it off. I love, love, love teaching. It's too bad that I feel like I don't really get to teach very often. Instead, I deal with paperwork, bureaucracy, discipline, parents, paperwork, and a myriad of other things (yes, I know I said paperwork twice). I'm a good teacher, but I just don't enjoy my job very much anymore.

So, now what?

Waiting and wondering...

That's what the 2ww is all about, I guess. I pay way too much attention to every symptom, and get my hopes up every single time, despite my best efforts to convince myself that I could not possibly be pregnant.

I took a pregnancy test this morning because it's DH's birthday and how cool would that be? Of course, it was negative, but it's only about 9 or 10DPO. I don't know exactly because I didn't chart very well this month. The month of my chemical pregnancy, I didn't get a postive test until 14 dpo, so we shall see.

Going back to work was kind of tough this morning, but I feel like it was a good day teaching. I'm going to have some unhappy parent calls tomorrow because I sent home progress reports today. I'm bracing myself. I deal much better with the kids than I do with their parents!

Oh, and Go Commodores! Yay to Vanderbilt for winning the Music City Bowl!

Goodbye to 2008

It's been a good year. Almost exactly a year ago, we closed on our new house and began quite the renovation project. We love our new home and have enjoyed hosting family and having the space to do more. We took a fantastic trip to Poland. Our first international travel experience together was so much fun. I hope we'll take another trip abroad very soon.

We just returned from a much needed getaway to San Diego. What a wonderful trip. We spent a day at Sea World and another day at the incredible San Diego Zoo. We packed the other days with lots of sights and an NFL game. It was just what we needed - a chance to get away and reconnect to some of the things we love to do together.

I don't know what the next year will bring. I'm worried that it will involve tests and procedures and diagnoses regarding fertility. We have a few more months, though, before thinking about any of that. I got a positive OPK on Christmas day, just before we had to leave for the airport. I didn't take a thermometer with me on the trip, and honestly, I didn't even really think about TTC the whole time. The trip was about us being on vacation from everything, I think. So now, hopefully, we're refreshed and ready to begin a new year together - whatever it may bring (but we really, really, really, really hope and pray it will bring a baby).