Diagnosing Quirky

So, it's been an exciting few weeks in our household. The biggest news is that our little girl was diagnosed last week with High Functioning Autism. The news came as quite a shock to us, since several evaluations we'd had already had "ruled out" autism. In the end, though, this team of six professionals through an all day evaluation came to a careful conclusion and we are inclined to accept it. They suggested that we read about girls with High Functioning Autism or Asberger's Syndrome and that they thought we would begin to see a lot of Sprout in those descriptions. They were right. Girls present differently than boys and Sprout is very high on the "High Functioning" end, which means she has already developed a lot of coping strategies that mask her symptoms.

Still, it's a tough pill to swallow. Our hope that our issues with her could be resolved with some Speech Lanugage and Occupational Therapy are giving way to understanding that she will likely struggle in some of these areas for many years. Reading about adolescent girls on the Autism spectrum is especially scary.

But, there's no question that she is amazing. Everyone falls in love with her, even when her quirky behaviors drive them crazy. On a brief reading assessment, she was reading on a 3rd-4th grade level and she just turned 4! And they thought that she would have scored higher with a more thorough assessment, though she struggles a bit with higher level comprehension skills. They suggested that eventually, she would qualify as "twice exceptional" and enter a gifted program as well, but it's really too early to tell.

They also reassured us that we are already doing a lot of the things we needed to be doing for her. We intuitively developed strategies for her that are just what they recommend for kids on the Autism spectrum. And she's in the perfect educational setting and making amazing progress. We feel like she's going to do fine, but hopefully we can help her with her challenges now that we have a better idea what they are.

On the other hand, they also suggested that we have her evaluated for services through the school district's Exceptional Children program to get an IEP in place before she starts elementary school and we are also working to have her entered into a therapy program. All in all, it is a lot to wrap our brains around, but everyone around us has been supportive and we are appreciative of that. I think there are quite a few people who question the diagnosis or dismiss it as irrelevant because "she's so smart" or "she is going to be just fine." While I'm sure those words are meant to be encouraging, sometimes it seems that people don't recognize the areas where she struggles, which can be a little tough.

So, there's the latest on our super, spunky, amazing, adorable Sprout. She's growing like a weed, reading like a whiz kid, and is still the same kid she was before all this came to pass, so we are just continuing on and trying to learn as much as we can to help her be successful and meet her challenges.

Hyperlexia, speech therapy, and my amazing little girl

Sprout has always been behind on her social milestones, but never enough to hit any of the big red flags. She just decided to do things on the tail end of normal. Last fall, we decided to have her evaluated by a psychologist and speech-language therapist just to make sure there wasn't something we were missing. Her articulation is darn near perfect, but she had a lot of trouble interacting with other people. She also never asked questions or engaged in back and forth conversation unless it adhered to a script that she had memorized. Books, Super Why! and Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood are the most common sources of her scripts.

So the first round of evaluations showed a social delay, but nothing that required immediate intervention. The general consensus was to wait six months and see what happened. So, we waited six months. She's made huge progress, but still lags behind socially. She's trying to interact but just doesn't know how. Then, DH came across literature about hyperlexia. Hyperlexia, at is simplest, is precocious, self-taught, early reading.

Have I mentioned that Sprout can read? I mean she can read anything. She reads signs everywhere we go, pulls books of friends' shelves and reads the titles and opens to random pages in novels and can read them. She floored my brother-in-law when she read a sign at the zoo. It said, "Komodo Dragon Exhibit." I know people don't believe it. I mean, I don't believe it half the time, but she can read anything you give her. She doesn't comprehend at nearly the same level as she can read, but she does comprehend a lot, especially things that are age-appropriate.

So, anyway, Hyperlexia is often paired with some social and language development difficulties, so we decided to consult another Speech Language Pathologist. Our experience with her has been amazing! We had a long conversation about our concerns and her possible hyperlexia (it's not an official "diagnosis" just a self-identified trait at this point). She works with another student at Sprout's preschool, so she went there and observed her and interacted with her in the classroom. She pulled her out and evaluated her individually. She came up with a detailed report and we met and talked about it. After all that time watching and interacting with Sophia, she completely saw what we were concerned about. She also fell in love with Sprout and Sprout fell in love with her. We decided to start therapy once a week. During school, she had her therapy at school and had part of the time in the classroom to work on those social interactions. At home, a lot involves her coming to tell me things or have conversations with me. It's so amazing to see the amount of thought and preparation the therapist puts into her sessions with Sprout. And how she really uses her amazing ability to read to help her learn how to speak and interact. I'm so happy we found her!

In the process of her evaluation, she noticed that her language skills were profoundly different in the classroom setting versus one-on-one and even noted when she came to our home that the appropriateness of her interactions were on an even higher level (eye contact, initiating conversation, etc.). She suggested we get Sprout evaluated further to make sure she didn't have some kind of auditory processing disorder because she is extremely sensitive to sound and has so much more trouble functioning in the classroom or group settings. It may just be the social/language delay, but we want to make sure that there isn't more going on.

So we sent in all the referral paperwork for a clinic at a university about an hour and a half away to have her evaluated. They will look over what we've done so far and determine whether they would like to see her. It would be interesting to see what they came up with, for sure. In the meantime, we ask ourselves, "Should we be proud or afraid that the SLP finds our daughter fascinating?"

She is truly amazing. There is no question about that. I don't really want to find something "wrong." I believe that all of this is a side affect of some kind of gifted-ness, but we also don't want to ignore things that may cause her trouble in the future. Hopefully, we'll get a better idea of how she thinks and how to help her be her best self.

Who would have thought?

When we chose not to continue fertility treatment and explore adopting, we had a lot to learn and it is been both interesting and overwhelming. We've put a lot of thought and prayer into this journey and we are certainly still very much in the discernment process.

What I did not expect was that we would both feel that we may actually be called to become foster parents rather than moving directly into an adoption process. While coming to terms with not adding a child permanently to our home is a work in progress, using our resources and knowledge and skills to truly serve children in need seems to fit what our family is all about.

So, we have begun a new exploration process. We aren't sure where it will lead or if foster parenting is indeed where we are headed, but it has been my experience that when life takes me in a different direction than I ever imagined, and yet it is filled with a sense of excitement and peace, it usually indicates I'm headed in the right direction. So, we continue to think and research and pray and will soon be taking the next steps toward determining whether this is indeed where we are being called to serve. If you're the praying type, please say an extra one for us as we continue on this journey.

Cold Feet

I've been having some serious second thoughts about the whole adoption process and whether or not we really want to start down another emotional journey. There is just so much to think about and consider and it's overwhelming. Some of it is related to normal worries about having second children and other anxieties are specific to adoption. I just don't know anymore. It's really hard for me to imagine Sprout as an only child as she grows older, but it's also hard to imagine introducing a new child into the family. I guess this is all part of the discernment process, but it's still really hard and I'm really struggling with the fact that my family is going to look very different than I imagined it would, no matter what road we choose to take.

On a related note, through my research, I've come across embryo adoption as an option I didn't even really understand might exist. It's kind of out there and I don't even know if we'd be good candidates for it or how it would work, but since I've already carried a successful pregnancy... well, I just wonder. But then, how on earth would you talk to a child about that? And is that just too high-tech and strange for our family, anyway?

Ugh. I don't know about any of it anymore. I feel a little stuck and just not sure what path we are to take. So, we're waiting and praying and hoping that the path forward will be made clear.

Potty Training Marathon

We first started trying to potty train Sprout in June of last year. I figured we'd do the whole weekend potty training routine and we'd be done with it (more or less). Shows what I know! We're now about 9 months in and sometimes I feel like we've made no progress at all. Clearly she wasn't ready when we started, but now? I just don't know.

It reminds me of when she was an infant and I read all those books about babies showing their "tired cues" and how you had to catch them at the first sign and get them to sleep during the "magic sleep window." By all accounts some babies do have obvious tired cues and fall into these methods easily. Then there is my girl. I nearly made myself crazy trying to figure out whether she was "showing sleepiness" by twitching her eye. Turns out, some babies have neon signs and others like to keep it all a secret. My girl is the secretive type.

So it is with potty training. No warning. No poopy face. No pee pee dance. We only know after the fact. As we've moved along we have been able to recognize her needing to go sometimes, but she can still be pretty stealthy. And when she wants to use the toilet, she does. We just haven't managed to convince our little genius that it's a good idea all the time. She just can't be bothered. We've tried every trick in the book.

So for now, we've taught her everything she needs to know to take care of her accidents by herself. She knows where the towels are to clean up her puddles and how to put the dirty clothes and towels in the washer. She knows where the panties and pull ups are and extra clothes. She needs a little help with the stinky accidents, but otherwise, it's all her. If she wants to go to college wearing diapers, then she will just have to change them herself.

So, I guess, if independence is our goal, we've made progress, but she is also recognizing her need to go more and choosing to respond to it more often. One day, maybe she'll be more consistent. Until then, we'll continue to put off buying new carpet and get used to cleaning up accidents and smelling her before we can see her. Crazy girl decided to be completely clean and dry the whole day we traveled on airplanes and rental cars last week while wearing panties. I thought we'd had a major breakthrough, but three days later, it was all back to her normal ambivalent attitude.

My pediatrician husband reminds me that we can't make kids sleep, eat, or poop on the toilet, so we just keep trying new strategies and hope that something sticks. Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood potty episode helped more in 10 minutes than the last 6 months of our attempts, so it probably won't be anything we try that makes the switch flip. Like everything else, she's on her own schedule and she's not about to change it for us. Just seems crazy that the girl can read on a first grade level at age three, but can't figure out potty training.  Oh well! More material to embarrass her when she's a teenager.

My Grandma

Been thinking a lot about my grandma the last few days. I'm not sure why, but I just miss her an awful lot right now. Yesterday, I thought about how much I wanted to call her. Today, I'm curled up by the fire with my computer under the quilt my mom made from her clothes. It's been more than a year now since she died, but it's still hard to believe that I'll never have another hour long talk with her. I hope that I'll be able to let Sprout know what a very special great-grandma she had. She already seems to have inherited her height and her strong independent streak.

Traveling to Tampa

I long ago realized that traveling with a baby/toddler/child means that we now take "trips" rather than "vacations." They certainly aren't relaxing, but we still have a lot of fun. We spent last week in Tampa, Florida, soaking in some sun and seeing the sights. Sprout was a trooper, as always. She had her toddler moments, of course, but all in all we are fortunate to have a good traveler. She enjoys exploring new places, doing new things, trying new foods. I think she got a touch of the adventurous spirit of her mother and great-grandmother. I'm glad to see that inquisitiveness and joy in new experiences.

Of course, she didn't nap at all, and because she is now three, we definitely have to cater more to her needs and wants. Gone are the days when we could leave her in the stroller for a couple hours while we explored little shops or a museum. Gone are the days when she would at least nap in the stroller so we could get an hour or so of peace. But, that's okay. It's all part of growing up, I guess. My husband has been a little slower to this realization, so he was a little grumpy on this trip because his expectations were not in line with the reality of a three year old. But he came around eventually and I think it was a good learning experience for our little family. We are on the go quite a lot and are already planning our next trip, so hopefully we can be a little better mentally prepared for our next adventure.

Being home again is nice, but I brought with me a nasty cold. I was already pretty sick on our day traveling home and fluid backed up into my ears during the plane flight and I was in a good bit of ear pain for a couple of days and unable to hear out of one ear. Luckily, it has mostly cleared and I'm just left with a runny nose. I just went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago with a nagging cough and was on all sorts of medication trying to get things under control. Naturally, as soon as I started feeling better, I got this cold, so I should be back to baseline coughing by the time I have my follow-up appointment next week.

This parenting stuff is always a learning experience, but I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to watch Sprout grow and learn and to see her joy at touching stingrays, riding her first roller coaster, and meeting Rosita from Sesame street. No question that while we may be experiencing some struggles, we are so very blessed in our family.

Big Questions

I thought I was relatively informed about adoption. I knew that there was plenty to learn, but I assumed that most of it was technical stuff that I'd figure out as I went along. As I've begun dipping my toes into research, I've realized that ethical issues are much bigger and more complex than I understood. Since I've lived and worked in a developing country, I was already a bit uneasy about the prospect of international adoption. This always surprises people I know because they all assume I'll want to adopt a baby from Africa. But, while I know that there are children who need help and need homes there, I also saw how easy it would be for corruption and deception to enter into an adoption process and that I'd always wonder whether the story I'd been told about my child was true. What if my child had been placed in an unethical way? What if that child had loving parents that didn't really understand what was happening to their child? There are stories upon stories of such things and while I have no doubt that there are very ethical adoption agencies that do their best to ensure that everything is handled appropriately, I'm not sure I could ever be completely comfortable without actually knowing a child's whole story. But I was willing to look at International Adoption objectively, especially since we are willing to adopt a toddler. Unfortunately, between my ethical concerns and some prejudice in the developing world concerning antidepressants, it seems that we would only have a chance of adopting a child with significant special needs or a much older child. I don't think we're ready for either of those options, so it looks like International Adoption is not an option.


So, that leaves us with domestic adoption. I figured that was a little more cut and dry. Baby is released for adoption. We adopt the baby. Sure, I knew that there were laws that made this more complicated, that birth father rights have to be considered when dealing with an expectant mom exploring adoption, that mothers may change their minds after the baby is born. But, after reading more and more, I see that there are also ethical issues surrounding domestic adoption that I'd never considered. Will my agency pressure a mother to make an adoption plan? What if I agree to an open adoption and the birth family becomes destructive or unstable? In my state, I would have the right to close it, but would that be wrong if I'd agreed to an open adoption? What about paying the expenses of the birth mother? Some moms are in great need, but the amount of money in some cases seems extreme. I still think that adopting domestically will be a better fit for us because we will likely be able to have some contact with the birth family so that we can be sure that they are really making a decision they believe to be the right one without duress, but it is not free of ethical concerns. There are some big questions ahead for DH and I to consider and what I've written here is really only the beginning.

Are you ready to learn more about adoption? Come along for the ride. I don't know where we'll end up, but at least we'll learn something along the way.

Marriage

Apparently I have reached the age where marriages begin to unravel. Friends in all of our circles have been experiencing major marital upheaval and divorce. It is extremely disconcerting, especially when it is unexpected. It makes me acutely aware that, even with my closest friends, there is often a lot I don't know about their lives.

Inevitably, it makes me wonder, could it happen to me? DH and I have talked a lot about how we can keep our marriage healthy and weather the storms that come our way. I believe that we can and that we are doing really well. Knowing the stories of others, though, helps me understand just how important it is to deal with issues and problems as they arise, trust my instincts when they tell me something isn't right, and not allow myself or my husband to retreat into isolation when times get tough.

The latest round of divorces have rattled me, I'll admit. I hope that I can take away something positive. I'll definitely be praying for my own family and for those in my life hurting terribly right now.

You know what's really unfair?

When you've finally started to come to terms with the idea of not having another baby and then your period decides to be a week late, just for the fun of it. That will play with your mind, I tell ya.

One of the hardest parts of this all for me is that, after everything we've been through, I don't think I'll ever again not be hyper-aware of my cycle. Unlike many people who deal with infertility, I have a very regular cycle, and ovulate normally. I just have old lady ovaries and eggs. So, even though I'm starting to understand that pregnancy is not going to happen and have stopped buying pregnancy tests (though I did use my last one when my period was late this month) and have begun imagining what adoption might look like, I have the constant biological reminder, that while everything seems to work just like it's supposed to, it's actually broken beyond repair.

I think I've long been very sensitive to those struggling with infertility, but obviously I'm in a different place now, and relate on a whole new level.

When I peruse websites about adoption there are so many conflicting emotions - sadness, excitement, fear, worries, frustration, hope. It's a tough thing to navigate, but I'm working on it. And I have great people to help me through.

One Step at a TIme

It's been awhile :) We'll see if I become more regular this time or not, but as we begin a new phase of our parenting journey, I've found myself with more to say.

After a lot of discussions, we are leaning toward beginning the adoption process this summer. We will likely pursue domestic adoption. Nothing is certain yet and we are still working through some grieving over our inability to have biological children and trying to wrap our heads around a family that be different from the one that we had planned.

It's also hard to imaging adding a new little one to our family when things are pretty awesome right now. Sprout is every bit a three year-old, spirited, independent, and determined. She loves to learn and is reading everything she sees. She's a bit precocious (which I think she comes by honestly). But it's also hard to imagine her being an only child. So while no decisions have been made yet, we're leaning toward at least a more formal exploration of our options regarding adoption.

Needless to say, this is the beginning of a new emotional roller coaster and it's going to take a lot of patience and a lot of prayer.

Hopefully, I'll have more to say about all kinds of things as we move forward. Thanks to the few dedicated followers that haven't given up on my little blog!