July 21

We went baby shopping today and ordered our way-too-expensive stroller and did some other shopping. When my husband was signing the receipt, he asked for the date. July 21. Wow. It hit me hard. I didn't even realize it was coming. July 21st was the due date for my first pregnancy.

I can't say that I haven't thought about that loss. It's still with me often and, as much as I wish I could say otherwise, it has shaded this pregnancy and caused me to worry. It was much worse early on, but part of me still waits for the next shoe to drop, for something to go very wrong. I can only imagine what it must be like for those who had later or multiple losses. I only knew I was pregnant for a few days, but it was enough to have dreams realized and dashed.

I'm not sure how to even express my feelings about it right now. I started to say that I should have had a baby this month, but no, that's not right. It was not meant to be. But there is still a real feeling of emptiness today. It is, of course, tempered by the joy of the little Sprout dancing around my belly right now as I type, but it is there. I feel guilty that I didn't recognize that this day was coming, as if I have somehow not honored it properly.

So, I'm paying special attention to the little girl I have now, and thinking about those months ago when I was ready to give up hope. Every little life is a miracle and I've experienced two of them. The first was only with us a short time, but continues to bless us with greater appreciation for what we have, a stronger marriage, and much more empathy for those around us whose struggles we do not know.

Hello Third Trimester!

Wow! I can't believe I made it this far. It just gets more exciting every week. I've been awake since 4am because the little Sprout doesn't want me to sleep, but I've been enjoying her gymnastics. It's so nice to have that consistent reassurance that she's doing okay. DH and I both watched my belly wiggling this morning. It's the first time I could actually see her moving a bunch from the outside. Wild, for sure!

It's been a busy few weeks. First 9 of my in-laws came to visit. Then DH and I had a wonderful anniversary trip to Maine. The weather was crummy for most of the time, but it was wonderful nonetheless. Now, my father and brother are here visiting. I'm glad for the opportunity to see everyone, but DH and I will both be very happy when we can get back to some sense of normalcy.

While in Maine, I had the first stranger ask me when I was due and have had a couple more since then. I'm glad that I'm looking obviously pregnant now instead of the maybe-she's-pregnant-but-maybe-she's-just-a-little-round phase. Yay! I'll post a belly pic eventually when things calm down around here.

I've gained too much weight in the last couple of months. My doctor didn't say anything, but I know. I haven't been good with all the craziness and travel. I actually had a bit of a meltdown last night because DH said something to me about the whole bowl of cherries I ate (at least it was fresh fruit, right?). He didn't mean anything by it, but I just felt awful that I haven't been better about my diet when I know how important it is. He's vowed that we'll both do better from here on out. It's been kind of difficult with my dad and brother here since they are some of the worst eaters out there. I'm sure they feel like I'm depriving them when I feel like I'm completely indulging because I have things around I don't normally keep in the house.

Anyway, I'm really glad that I'm not working right now, but I don't feel like I've had much time to relax since school got out. When my relatives all leave, I'm looking forward to some time for myself and for getting serious about the baby preparations.

She's viable! And the family invasion

24 weeks now and a special milestone. Of course, we definitely want our little Sprout to keep cooking a lot longer. DH dealt with a delivery of a 24 week preemie yesterday and I could tell that it really worried him. But everything seems to be going beautifully right now.

I had a great trip to visit with college friends over the weekend. One of my friends has a 2 and half year old. She was the happiest, most agreeable two year old I think I've ever met. She definitely had her moments, but I was so impressed with my friend and how well she dealt with it all. I hope I can be as patient!

I've been having some strange aches and pains, but nothing terrible. My tummy hasn't been very happy over the last few days. I guess it's just all part of the fun. It makes it harder for me to prepare for the throng of people that will be arriving this weekend.

DH has invited his whole family to visit us every summer and his brother and his family (wife and 3 kids) usually come along with his father. Well this year, at the last minute, his two sisters and their families decided to come, too! There will be 14 people in our house. It's going to be interesting. We'll have 8 adults and 6 kids (ranging from 6 months to 7 years). At least it's only a weekend! I'm stressing out, but I know how much it means to my husband to have his whole family together. It will be a very special time, I'm sure. I hope. Pray for us, okay :)?