Thanksgiving

I know that I am blessed beyond measure. Though things haven't exactly gone according to my plans and I've had a rough couple of months, I am incredibly grateful for so much in my life.

I love my husband. He is so good to me. We drive each other crazy at times (many times), but I know that he loves me because he shows me in so many ways. We often say that it's a good thing we found each other because no one else would have us. He laughs at math jokes and holds me during the tough times. We are quite a team and I'm so thankful that, after meeting over 15 years ago, we finally figured out that we belonged together.

I have a beautiful home. It's amazing and I never dreamt I would live somewhere this nice. I love coming home and cooking dinner for me and my husband and talking to the dog and the cat. I love sitting by the fireplace reading the paper and curling up on the sofa with my husband to watch a movie. I love having a place for guests so that they actually enjoy coming to visit and I love having a place to sit when we invite people for dinner. I love the neighborhood and neighbors who brought us gifts and dinner when we moved in this year.

I am thankful for my family. We've had lots of ups and downs over the years. We're definitely a dysfunctional lot, but we're family and it seems that we're learning how to make that work. We can enjoy each other's company without being judgemental and allow the past to be in the past. We've come a long way and I'm proud of us.

I'm thankful for my job. It's been hard and there are things that I wish were different. I may even be called to move on to something different soon, but there are so many people that do not have jobs, who are losing jobs, who have so little. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to serve others and be a leader, teacher, and role model for my students. I take the responsibility seriously and I am thankful for those who trust me with such a serious task.

I am thankful for my health. Last year, my husband couldn't eat Thanksgiving dinner because he was recovering from jaw surgery. So many people struggle with things that are so much more serious. He deals with sick children every day. I think often of those I love and have loved in Africa and how many of them have died in the time I've been gone. We take so much for granted.

And I'm thankful for so much more. Five years ago, I could have never dreamt up the life I'm living now. God does amazing things with the most difficult circumstances. I don't know what is ahead, but I know that I have grown in my trust that, whatever happens, God loves me and will use it for his purposes.

I'm tired

I'm happy for the Thanksgiving break, but I feel like we will be so busy that it won't be much of a break. We're having Thanksgiving dinner at my mother in-law's house and staying there on Thanksgiving night. Since I'm due to ovulate sometime in the next few days, I'll be bringing the OPKs. We're both kind of hoping that I won't get the smiley face on Thanksgiving day! I'm not sure what my cycle will be like this month, but so far, things seem to be fairly normal.

I'm just not as "into" TTC right now. I'm still doing everything that I'm supposed to do, I just can't get as excited about it anymore. Maybe I'm tired of the disappointment, maybe it's just the let down after the miscarriage. I'm tired of getting my hopes up over and over again, just to be disappointed. Of course, I'm still hopeful. Wouldn't it be amazing if I got pregnant right before Christmas? What a great gift!

But I'm also beginning to look at my life and the next year and considering the possibility that I might not be pregnant. I've found a couple of jobs and a university nearby and I'm really thinking about applying. I think I'm ready to move on and since there are part time and full-time positions available in the education department, maybe it's something I could do full time for now and part time with kids. I don't know, but I think I may have to at least give it a try.

What Now?

I'm feeling rather ambivalent right now. I'm scared to get too excited about a new cycle and new chances to conceive when it took us eight months to get to this point. It may be a long road. On the other hand, I want to do everything I can to move forward.

It's been a hard week at school. Nothing terrible has happened, but the constant problems are wearing on me and I can tell that I'm not as patient. I fuss more and tolerate less. I was extremely frustrated by some of the work my students handed in today. I got so upset that I brought on a tension headache. I know that I can't continue to let things get to me like this, but I can't completely detach myself either. How to I love these kids so much and want so desperately for them to succeed, but also not lose sleep and make myself ill with worry and frustration? How do I maintain my enthusiasm and passion for kids and for teaching without losing my mind?

I've felt for quite some time that I'm on the edge of a burn out. The recent emotional turmoil does not help. I have always believed that teaching was a calling. I always wanted to teach middle school kids. Maybe I am just a masochist, but I love them. I think they are amazing and so much happens in middle school. I still love the kids, but I'm not so sure about the job any more. Every year, I feel like my hands are tied more and more and I get to do less and less of the things I love about teaching. Is it just this school? This class? The stress of so many changes in my life? Or is it really time for me to be looking to make a move professionally? Or is it just my restless spirit that can't seem to stay in the same place for more that 3 or 4 years?

If I were still pregnant, the answer to this question would be much easier. I would have been due in July. I would just plan on finishing the year and then staying home with my child. If it doesn't happen soon, though, I'll have to figure out what to do about next school year. My school insurance is so much better that my husband's, so quitting before I delivered would be even more of a financial hit than just my salary. So, I'm just praying and hoping and praying some more. At some point, I'll know what's right for me and my family.

Looking Up

I'm feeling much better. I'm starting to feel okay about the whole TTC process again. I can't say I'm looking forward to the months ahead, but I know that it's what I have to do if I want to be a mommy. My husband talked to his brother about the events of last week. I'm glad he was able to talk with someone about it. He told me that he was jealous that I had "all of cyberspace" to talk to about it! I'm still bleeding a bit and get twinges here and there, but nothing major. I guess, in a way, it was helpful that there is a process of physical recovery with all of this, too. It's something tangible to remind me that it's not all in my head, that it's okay to feel what I'm feeling, even if I sometimes think that I may be overreacting.

On a different note, four of my students got referred to alternative school today for their severe behavior problems. Even as I type that, it seems extreme. I would have never believed that I would support such a move for so many students, but this class has challenged many of my assumptions. I hope that the placements move quickly and we can have a little peace and a lot of learning in the coming weeks.

Back to Work

So, today it was time to get back into the swing of things. It went pretty well. My class is behind schedule now, so we're going to have to work really hard at getting back on pace before Thanksgiving break. If there aren't any other major disruptions, we should make it. They were pretty good today. I've found that my students are usually better behaved after they've had a substitute. Maybe it's getting back into a familiar routine. Of course, it may have had more to do with the fact that several of our biggest problems were suspended. I'll take it either way.

My teammate who just had gastric bypass surgery flat out asked me today if I was pregnant. I knew people were thinking it, since it's kind of an open secret that we're hoping to conceive soon. I told her that I had been pregnant, but wasn't any more. I probably should have lied, but it caught me off guard. I hope everyone at school doesn't know. There is a nasty GI bug going around, so I've been telling people that I caught it.

It was nice for me to go back to work, even though it's been stressful. I needed the distraction and the purpose. I've thought a lot about leaving my job, but I'm worried that, without work, I'd be depressed. My husband is more worried that the stress of school is contributing to my inability to get (and stay) pregnant. I promised him about a month ago that if things didn't get better, I'd resign at the semester. They were getting better, but then the miscarriage happened and I've been a mess. I'm going to work at staying calm no matter what gets thrown my way. If I can't manage, I may have to leave my class. Even though they are a rough group, I'd still be sad and feel bad about leaving them in the middle of the year.

Sunday, November 16

Today was better. I'm glad today was better, because I was beginning to wonder. Last night we went out to dinner (I finally felt like I didn't need to stay curled up in a fetal position). I ran into a teacher at school who lost her baby only a couple weeks before her due date. Then today, at church we sat behind a woman who is in a bible study class with me who revealed earlier in the year that she went through nine miscarriages before she and her husband began the process of adopting their two beautiful children.

I don't know what God was trying to say to me through these encounters. At first I took it as a warning, "see, it could be worse!" but I know that God doesn't work like that, so I had to dig a little deeper. What I chose to take away was inspiration...the strength and grace of both women is amazing. They survived very difficult circumstances and are still able to get out of bed in the morning and be productive, and continue to serve others through their lives and professions. We really can learn so much from other people, if we take the time.

I'm feeling better physically and seem to have some hope again that things will be okay. I almost made it through church without crying, but not quite. My husband came to the rescue with a hug and a tissue, and I think I pulled myself together before anyone noticed and wanted to ask questions.

The theme of the service today was about how we must risk giving away and using all that we've been given in order to receive the rewards that God has for us. We took away different things, but my husband and I both felt like it meant that we just needed to keep going without fear of what may be ahead of us. We've both been through trying experiences in our lives that turned out leading us to wonderful places and experiences that we could have never dreamt up on our own. Our marriage is just one of those experiences. And so, still grieving and wounded, we decided to hold each other up and move forward. What else is there to do, really?

We took a trip to Target this afternoon for household necessities and also stocked up on OPK's and a new thermometer since the battery on mine went dead right at the beginning of this craziness. I guess I'll start temping again when the bleeding stops. Who knows what this cycle will look like?

I'm still very sad and disappointed and a little bit angry. I think I will be for a long time, but as our priest said today, we can't just circle the wagons to protect what we have. We have to go out into the world and live a life of service to others. We have to risk pain and disappointment and rejection and loss. But it is in those experiences, that we see God. I pray that I'm up to the task.

Saturday, November 15

Ouch! I thought the worst would be over by now. I'm not bleeding as much, but the cramping is terrible. I woke up feeling so much better. I came downstairs and, WHAM! I feel like I'm being kicked in the uterus. My husband is being very sweet and understanding, but I can tell it's wearing on him. We were supposed to go see the new James Bond movie today, but I think he's going to have to go by himself. I was also hoping for some retail therapy, but if I'm still cramping up like this, I think it will be another day of ice cream and curling up on the sofa.

I've been contemplating whether to tell my mom what happened. She was on a trip this week, but we usually talk several times a week. It will be a little hard not to tell her, if she calls soon, but I'm just not sure. On the one hand, I want her to know how upset I am. On the other, I want to be able to move on and not have her cooing over me longer than necessary. I guess I'll just decide when I talk to her next. My husband doesn't mind either way. I don't think that he'll tell any of his family, though, at least not right away.

Ouch...I think I'll go curl up on the couch again. I'll be glad when this is over - at least the physical part.

The Beginning

I didn't think it would be this hard. I knew all the statistics. I knew something wasn't right from the beginning, but after 8 months of trying, seeing something on the pregnancy test was such a joy, only to have it taken from me. The truth is, my husband and I are devastated. The baby was only real to us for a couple of days, but it was still real. We started having visions of telling our moms at Thanksgiving and everyone else around Christmas. But it's over before we got the chance.

I'm glad that I had the chance to talk to my best friend about it all. I was with her this weekend and made her go with me to buy hpt's. I knew something wasn't right when the line/smudge didn't get darker and the digitals kept coming up negative. I miss having my girlfriends nearby. We scattered about the country and while we're still amazingly close, it's not as easy as it used to be.

I came home from Nashville and had been spotting and not getting clear positives, so my husband convinced me to call the doctor. He sent me to get blood drawn and the results were pretty clear. I still held onto a little hope, though, until I started bleeding yesterday.

It started around lunch time and then I had to go to an awful meeting with our math supervisor. She's a nice lady, but she has no interest in listening to what teachers are saying. We were meeting because I and the other 6th grade math teacher had some complaints about the district nine weeks test. We felt several questions were unfair. She basically took the opportunity to lecture us on why we just weren't teaching right. Then, she got offended when I got up to leave. The meeting had already run over by 5 minutes and my students were standing out in the rain waiting for me.

So...I got back to my classroom. Thank goodness I have my kids trained pretty well and it was one of my better classes, because I just sat down and stared at my computer screen trying not to burst into tears. I thought that the moment would pass, but I just couldn't hold it together. I finally called and asked if I could get someone to cover my class for a few minutes. We have a great, supportive staff, so they pulled a teacher's assistant to cover for me. I figured I could have a good cry in the teacher's restroom and calm myself down enough to get through the day. I tried, but just couldn't stop crying for more than a couple minutes at a time.

Finally, I went to talk to my principal. I knew that she had been through 2 pregnancy losses and had been at the meeting, so I hoped she would be understanding. Luckily, she was. She sent me home and told me not to worry about the meeting. She said that she knew that I was an excellent teacher and that my End of Grade test scores were always high. She also reminded me about her own losses and the fact that she just had her second child last year. It's encouraging, even if I didn't feel better at that moment.

So, I came home and curled up in bed an had a good cry and a nap. My husband has been wonderful. We already cried together the night before when we knew that the pregnancy was over. It's hard on him in different ways, I know. All three of his younger siblings have children. We have 4 neices and 1 nephew. Only one niece was a planned pregnancy. His family also is not shy about constantly needling us about having children. I told him that after the worst of our emotions had passed, he might need to tell them what we're going through, because I don't know how much more of that "friendly teasing" I'm going to be able to take. We'll see.

So, today, I'm home from school. I'm glad I decided to stay home. The cramping has been much worse than my usual periods and it's been accompanied by some GI issues that would not be fun if I were teaching today. I went to get some papers to grade and set up my substitute lesson plans, but I haven't done any school work. I've been sleeping and listening to music and crying and rumaging through the Christmas closet and starting this blog. I'll get to the papers before Monday. I think that today, it's more important to just take care of myself.

I love my OBGYN. He called yesterday to just make sure we understood what the beta numbers meant (that I wouldn't be pregnant for very long). I told him that we knew and that I had already started bleeding. He was so empathetic and said that he was sorry for our loss. He didn't call it a "chemical pregnancy." He called it a miscarriage, which was oddly comforting to me. I know it's just words, but it was like it gave me permission to be upset, somehow.

He also reminded us that, despite the loss, we now know that we can get pregnant. And while, that's not a huge consolation right now, it is important. As the months have gone by, we've both been contemplating all the things that could be keeping us from conceiving. So now, we start over and hope for a better outcome in the near future. For the moment, though, I'm not quite done grieving. I think I'd better go get one more bowl of ice cream!

If you've actually read this long post entirely, I thank you for your patience. I know that I can be a bit verbose.