Sunday, November 16

Today was better. I'm glad today was better, because I was beginning to wonder. Last night we went out to dinner (I finally felt like I didn't need to stay curled up in a fetal position). I ran into a teacher at school who lost her baby only a couple weeks before her due date. Then today, at church we sat behind a woman who is in a bible study class with me who revealed earlier in the year that she went through nine miscarriages before she and her husband began the process of adopting their two beautiful children.

I don't know what God was trying to say to me through these encounters. At first I took it as a warning, "see, it could be worse!" but I know that God doesn't work like that, so I had to dig a little deeper. What I chose to take away was inspiration...the strength and grace of both women is amazing. They survived very difficult circumstances and are still able to get out of bed in the morning and be productive, and continue to serve others through their lives and professions. We really can learn so much from other people, if we take the time.

I'm feeling better physically and seem to have some hope again that things will be okay. I almost made it through church without crying, but not quite. My husband came to the rescue with a hug and a tissue, and I think I pulled myself together before anyone noticed and wanted to ask questions.

The theme of the service today was about how we must risk giving away and using all that we've been given in order to receive the rewards that God has for us. We took away different things, but my husband and I both felt like it meant that we just needed to keep going without fear of what may be ahead of us. We've both been through trying experiences in our lives that turned out leading us to wonderful places and experiences that we could have never dreamt up on our own. Our marriage is just one of those experiences. And so, still grieving and wounded, we decided to hold each other up and move forward. What else is there to do, really?

We took a trip to Target this afternoon for household necessities and also stocked up on OPK's and a new thermometer since the battery on mine went dead right at the beginning of this craziness. I guess I'll start temping again when the bleeding stops. Who knows what this cycle will look like?

I'm still very sad and disappointed and a little bit angry. I think I will be for a long time, but as our priest said today, we can't just circle the wagons to protect what we have. We have to go out into the world and live a life of service to others. We have to risk pain and disappointment and rejection and loss. But it is in those experiences, that we see God. I pray that I'm up to the task.