Where one chapter ends

It's been an eventful few months in our household as we have struggled to conceive another child. It began with much optimism and plans for the future. Then the reality set in. I had a very low AMH, meaning that I have an extremely low ovarian reserve (As in, the measurement doesn't go any lower) and therefore would likely not respond well to fertility medications. During an HSG, they discovered polyps that I had to have surgery to remove and then because of the large number, I had to be on hormone therapy for about 6 weeks to rebuild the lining of my uterus.

After that we decided to try a few courses of timed intercourse with injectible FSH. During the first cycle I had 2 follicles, but did not get pregnant. Then I developed a cyst on my right ovary. I went on BCP for about a month and it didn't get any smaller, so we decided to drain it (ouch). We then initiated a second cycle on a higher dose of FSH - basically the same dose as many IVF patients and I still got 2 mature follicles. And a couple of days ago, we learned that the cycle failed as well.  Going in, we knew that we only had about a 15% chance with each cycle, but it still hurts.

The drugs have taken a toll on me. I have constant headaches and they have excacerbated some allergy issues. The clinic is also an hour and a half away from my house, so working out the clinic visits is extremely stressful. So, my DH and I sat down and had a long, tearful chat about whether we really wanted to continue and decided to walk away.

I'm sad.  Really sad. But it's the right decision for us. We are so blessed to have our miracle baby Sprout and now we know that she is very likely to be our only biological child. We've agreed to do a few Hail Mary cycles on our own, but once the New Year rolls around, we are officially going to stop TTC. I am relieved, but it is tough to face a reality that is so different than what we imagined it would be.

In the meantime, I am very busy with my deacon formation program. Taking three classes and I'm going to preach for the first time in church this Sunday. Sprout had a fabulous third birthday party. She continues to amaze us and her teachers. She is really reading now. You probably won't believe me. I wouldn't have believed anyone else telling me their three year old could read!

We're going to just relax into being a family for awhile. We decided not to decide anything more until next summer, when we'll sit down and start seriously researching and discussing the adoption process.

Maybe I'll be blogging more as I work through all of this, or maybe not.  But it is definitely a new chapter in my life as we grieve the end of one chapter and look forward in hope to the next.

Endings? New Beginnings?

I'm thinking about ending the blog.  I feel like it's run it's course.  I may start another with a different focus, but for now, I'm just not feeling inspired.  I'll probably leave it for awhile to make sure I have the important stuff saved somewhere for memory's sake.  Who knows?  Maybe I'll even change my mind.

I appreciate all of the support I've received here and those few faithful folks who still are following me even though I've barely written anything in a long time.

Filled with the Spirit

Sprout was a hoot at church today.  Apparently she was moved by the spirit - or they gave her too much apple juice in the church nursery.

DH went to get her from the nursery before communion. She came in and when we all were kneeling in prayer she sat and folded her hands and bowed her head and really tried to say the Lord's prayer with the congregation.  She managed a few words here and there and then, after everyone had finished, she shouted, "Amen!" to a quiet church. There was an audible chuckle.

Then, when we were waiting for our turn for communion, she kept begging, "Go up to the church, please!" As we were walking forward, she said, "Go up to the pillows!" (referring to the kneeling pillows at the communion rail).  On our way back, she told DH, "Very good job eating!" All of this was in her loud toddler voice in an otherwise very quiet church, so everyone heard the play-by-play.

Back at the pew, she spent a lot of time jumping up and down, she prayed some more, shouted, "Amen!" and "alleluia" at other appropriate times (though a few seconds after everyone else), and then got extremely upset during the recessional hymn when they were putting out the candles.  She cried, "turn them back on please!"

So, it was a memorable Pentecost Sunday for us.  And I'm a little proud.  She may still have a bit to learn about appropriate church behavior, but she clearly was paying attention, was happy to be there, and wanted to participate.  I figure we're doing something right!

Tough Times

So many people around me are going through some really tough stuff.  I've had a really heavy heart.

In our own lives, our struggle to conceive is starting to loom larger and larger.  I will likely be scheduling my HSG within the week.  Then we have to decide whether to go forward with treatment and when we will start.  It's keeping me up at night because I have a lot of conflicting thoughts and ideas and emotions about all of this.

Last night, the hubby and I cuddled, crying and talking about how unfair it all is - his siblings and all their "oops" babies, the middle school nurse talking about the number of kids getting pregnant, all the, umm, interesting parents he sees during a day of work.  It's nothing I haven't thought or felt before and certainly nothing strange to anyone who has faced infertility or loss, but it's just feeling so much bigger right now.  It's hard for me to think about much else.

Of course, it also makes us even more grateful for the miracle that is our Sprout.  It seems that she came into our lives against all odds and continues to amaze and inspire us every day.

And so I hurt for the dear friend still struggling to have her first child, for the friend going through a divorce with two young children, for friends experiencing other heartaches and losses.

I'm thankful for the love and support around me and for all the joy in my life.  But my heart is heavy today.  And I think that's okay, perhaps even necessary, so that I can find the strength and energy to face whatever may be ahead and be there to support the people I love.

Perfect Day

Cuddling in bed, reading books.
Keeping our pajamas on until lunch time.
Playing, singing, laughing, reading.
Tea parties and block towers.
A long nap for my girl and I.
Practicing Eskimo kisses.
An old friend from out of town for a spaghetti dinner.
Splashes in the bathtub and only smiles during tooth brushing.
Listening to a dramatic recitation of Harry the Dirty Dog after lights out.

Didn't get much accomplished, but there will be plenty of time for chores another day.
Because today was perfect just as it was.

TTC and me

So, it's been well over a year since we started trying to conceive our second child.  It took us about a year to conceive Sophia, so I really didn't start getting concerned until after the one year mark.  But, the time has come to look into what is going on and what we can do about it.

I had some simple blood tests done in the last couple of weeks and DH had an SA - everything was normal, so my OBGYN suggested seeing an RE.  He said that if I were younger, he might try a few things locally first, but since I'm no spring chicken, he felt better having us go directly to a specialist.  Fun times!

Unfortunately, the closes REs are about an hour away, so this will add complications!  Anyway, I met with an RE this week and really liked her.  I'll be having an HSG during my next cycle.  She didn't expect that to show anything, since I've already had a successful pregnancy, but wanted to make sure.  The following cycle, we are probably going to have a medicated, timed intercourse cycle.  This means that I will have the same drug protocol as an IUI patient, but we will not do the insemination, we will just be intructed how to carefully time our intercourse.

The good news is that everything will be covered by my insurance (in differing percentages).  If we were to go to IUI, nothing would be covered at all and given my history and all of our test results, the RE didn't think IUI would give us much better odds than timed intercourse.

I'm still a little leary of all of this stuff.  I am scared of all the drugs and the emotional and physical toll this can all have.  I am holding out hope that we will get pregnant on our own in the next couple of cycles so that I can avoid all of it!  I'm not even sure I want to do this, but I so want another child.  It's not an easy thing for me to think about.

So keep us in your thoughts as we begin our journey into IF and all it entails.

And as a little bonus, here's a silly picture of our little girl.  She's gotten so big!

I'm a Mess

I'm a mess.  My desk is overflowing.  I can't find things.  I need to get organized.

But I'm trying to figure out how to walk the line between actually doing something about it and making myself crazy thinking about how I need to do something about it.  I'm never going to have everything neatly arranged, but something has to give because it's stressing me out.

I had this problem when I was teaching and I was, in time, able to figure out systems that really worked for me.  People complemented me for having such an organized classroom.  Ha!  What they didn't know is that I had to get things organized (and have my students take over a lot of responsibility) or I was going to drown.

I'm at that point again, but I haven't figured out how to fix it.  And just like my classroom, I don't think any one else's system is going to quite work for me, so I have to find the time to figure it out for myself.  I don't think I'll ever be clutter free, but I need to find a place where the clutter and lack of organization doesn't cause me stress.  All the changes in my life (motherhood, ministry) mean that what used to work doesn't any more.

So, now what?

First Day of School

So, our little Sprout started school yesterday. DH actually picked out the outfit. Can you believe it?

As predicted, she loved it and begs for "school please," when she's not there. It sounds like she wore her teachers out, though. It's going to take her some time to get into the swing of things. She has to learn how to use one thing at a time and put it away and participate in group activities. All of this will be great for her, but will take some time to adjust. She is attending a Montessori school, so I'm really excited about the chance for her to grow and learn at her own pace and get lots of individual attention. We think she will thrive in this environment once she figures out the structure and rules. I think it will take her a couple of weeks at the most, but we shall see!

I really didn't think I would get teary, but when I was talking to the director, I did tear up a bit. It's just hard to believe that she is so grown up already. She is an amazing little girl and I can't wait to see what she has in store for us next!

Preschool

Is this really happening?

I took Sprout for her preschool "interview" today at the local Montessori school. They officially begin at age 2.5, but they said that they would interview her and if she was ready, she could start a couple months early.

Well, I guess she's ready! She starts next week. It's so hard to believe that she's big enough to start school! She is going to absolutely love it. She loved the interview so much she's been saying, "school please!" ever since. I can't wait to see how much she is going to learn.

She has done a lot of Mother's Day out programs, which has been great, but I know this experience will be wonderful for her.

My Grandma

My wonderful, amazing, 91 year old grandmother died last week. While it wasn't shocking, it wasn't exactly expected either. I took Sprout with me up to New Jersey to be with the family.

My grandmother had a life full of love and adventure. She grew up in an Arizona border town, graduated from college, served as a cryptographer in the Army during World War II. After the war, she traveled and worked in the territory of Alaska, just for the adventure of it all, where she met my grandfather.

And that's only the beginning. I will never forget all of her stories. I am so glad that she got to spend time with Sprout and so sad that Sprout will not remember those times. But she will hear about her grandmother and hopefully I'll be able to pass on that confidence, love of learning, sense of duty, and adventurous spirit that made her so remarkable.

TTC

So, we've been at it for a year now with no luck. I'm starting to get really down about things not going as planned and this month I had really convinced myself that I was pregnant. Alas, 'twas not to be.

I have my annual appointment with my OBGYN later this month and we'll start talking about next steps. Technically, I should have made a separate appointment months ago (because of my age), but I wasn't ready for that and it took about a year to conceive Sprout, so I wanted to keep trying awhile longer. But now it's time to seek some advice and talk about our options.

I'm still not ready, but time is a-tickin' and we really want to add to our family. I'm sad and frustrated and a little scared.

Toddlers in Church

We leave Sprout in the church nursery on Sunday mornings and pick her up just before communion so she attends about 15 minutes of church. But she is a very active and verbal two year old and always had a lot to say. I worry that she is too distracting, that I should take her out, that everyone is staring at me and thinking that I'm an awful parent. But we persevere because we want her to experience church and she isn't bad at all. She just hasn't quite figured out the whole concept of a "quiet voice."

Last week she was especially wound up. Again, nothing terrible, she just had a lot to say and didn't care if the people in the choir loft could hear her. I was getting frustrated when one of the eldest members of our congregation, sitting right behind us, leaned forward. I don't know him well at all, and wasn't sure what he would say.

He told me not to worry so much. "We love hearing active youngsters in church. It means that our church is alive. It hasn't always been that way." I teared up immediately. It was just what I needed to hear and made me feel so good to a part of such a special and affirming faith community.

So today, I looked at Sprout differently. She still had quite a bit to say, but she was begging for her "Jesus Book" begging to go up to the front of the church for communion, pointing out the candles and the windows and the lights and the crosses. She kept asking for the Christmas tree that had been removed since last Sunday. She was, in many ways more present in church than me. She was taking it all in and noticing everything around her. When it was time to pray, she folded her hands and closed her eyes. When it was time to sing she jumped up and down with joy.

So we will still shush her and try to teach her proper church etiquette, but I'm going to try to take my fellow parishioner's advice and not worry so much and remember that she is showing everyone around her that our church is alive and growing and welcomes everyone - young and old, short and tall, quiet and loud.

It's been awhile

I know it's been awhile. I just didn't feel like I had a lot to say. Lately, though, I've had some ideas and actually missed blogging, so here I am.

Sprout is fabulous and amazing. She continues to memorize books, knows two verses of most Christmas carols and has taken a particular liking to walking backward. She is currently fighting sleep, but we are making some progress.

I've been busy with ministry activities and tutoring and trying to keep up with a crazy toddler. She may be starting preschool in the next couple of months, which boggles my mind, though I know she will love it. I'm 10 pounds up from my lowest Weight Watchers weight, so DH and I are rededicating ourselves to the program starting on Sunday.

We are still TTC with no luck so far. I have my annual GYN appointment at the end of the month and I'll be talking to my doctor about testing and next steps. I'm over 35 and it's been over a year. If we are going to need intervention, we need to start the ball rolling, but I'm not sure what we will have to do or how far we are willing to go. We will just figure it out one step at a time, I guess.

So there's the update. I hope you and yours had a safe and happy holiday and have a new year full of unexpected blessings.