Potty Training Marathon

We first started trying to potty train Sprout in June of last year. I figured we'd do the whole weekend potty training routine and we'd be done with it (more or less). Shows what I know! We're now about 9 months in and sometimes I feel like we've made no progress at all. Clearly she wasn't ready when we started, but now? I just don't know.

It reminds me of when she was an infant and I read all those books about babies showing their "tired cues" and how you had to catch them at the first sign and get them to sleep during the "magic sleep window." By all accounts some babies do have obvious tired cues and fall into these methods easily. Then there is my girl. I nearly made myself crazy trying to figure out whether she was "showing sleepiness" by twitching her eye. Turns out, some babies have neon signs and others like to keep it all a secret. My girl is the secretive type.

So it is with potty training. No warning. No poopy face. No pee pee dance. We only know after the fact. As we've moved along we have been able to recognize her needing to go sometimes, but she can still be pretty stealthy. And when she wants to use the toilet, she does. We just haven't managed to convince our little genius that it's a good idea all the time. She just can't be bothered. We've tried every trick in the book.

So for now, we've taught her everything she needs to know to take care of her accidents by herself. She knows where the towels are to clean up her puddles and how to put the dirty clothes and towels in the washer. She knows where the panties and pull ups are and extra clothes. She needs a little help with the stinky accidents, but otherwise, it's all her. If she wants to go to college wearing diapers, then she will just have to change them herself.

So, I guess, if independence is our goal, we've made progress, but she is also recognizing her need to go more and choosing to respond to it more often. One day, maybe she'll be more consistent. Until then, we'll continue to put off buying new carpet and get used to cleaning up accidents and smelling her before we can see her. Crazy girl decided to be completely clean and dry the whole day we traveled on airplanes and rental cars last week while wearing panties. I thought we'd had a major breakthrough, but three days later, it was all back to her normal ambivalent attitude.

My pediatrician husband reminds me that we can't make kids sleep, eat, or poop on the toilet, so we just keep trying new strategies and hope that something sticks. Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood potty episode helped more in 10 minutes than the last 6 months of our attempts, so it probably won't be anything we try that makes the switch flip. Like everything else, she's on her own schedule and she's not about to change it for us. Just seems crazy that the girl can read on a first grade level at age three, but can't figure out potty training.  Oh well! More material to embarrass her when she's a teenager.

My Grandma

Been thinking a lot about my grandma the last few days. I'm not sure why, but I just miss her an awful lot right now. Yesterday, I thought about how much I wanted to call her. Today, I'm curled up by the fire with my computer under the quilt my mom made from her clothes. It's been more than a year now since she died, but it's still hard to believe that I'll never have another hour long talk with her. I hope that I'll be able to let Sprout know what a very special great-grandma she had. She already seems to have inherited her height and her strong independent streak.

Traveling to Tampa

I long ago realized that traveling with a baby/toddler/child means that we now take "trips" rather than "vacations." They certainly aren't relaxing, but we still have a lot of fun. We spent last week in Tampa, Florida, soaking in some sun and seeing the sights. Sprout was a trooper, as always. She had her toddler moments, of course, but all in all we are fortunate to have a good traveler. She enjoys exploring new places, doing new things, trying new foods. I think she got a touch of the adventurous spirit of her mother and great-grandmother. I'm glad to see that inquisitiveness and joy in new experiences.

Of course, she didn't nap at all, and because she is now three, we definitely have to cater more to her needs and wants. Gone are the days when we could leave her in the stroller for a couple hours while we explored little shops or a museum. Gone are the days when she would at least nap in the stroller so we could get an hour or so of peace. But, that's okay. It's all part of growing up, I guess. My husband has been a little slower to this realization, so he was a little grumpy on this trip because his expectations were not in line with the reality of a three year old. But he came around eventually and I think it was a good learning experience for our little family. We are on the go quite a lot and are already planning our next trip, so hopefully we can be a little better mentally prepared for our next adventure.

Being home again is nice, but I brought with me a nasty cold. I was already pretty sick on our day traveling home and fluid backed up into my ears during the plane flight and I was in a good bit of ear pain for a couple of days and unable to hear out of one ear. Luckily, it has mostly cleared and I'm just left with a runny nose. I just went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago with a nagging cough and was on all sorts of medication trying to get things under control. Naturally, as soon as I started feeling better, I got this cold, so I should be back to baseline coughing by the time I have my follow-up appointment next week.

This parenting stuff is always a learning experience, but I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to watch Sprout grow and learn and to see her joy at touching stingrays, riding her first roller coaster, and meeting Rosita from Sesame street. No question that while we may be experiencing some struggles, we are so very blessed in our family.

Big Questions

I thought I was relatively informed about adoption. I knew that there was plenty to learn, but I assumed that most of it was technical stuff that I'd figure out as I went along. As I've begun dipping my toes into research, I've realized that ethical issues are much bigger and more complex than I understood. Since I've lived and worked in a developing country, I was already a bit uneasy about the prospect of international adoption. This always surprises people I know because they all assume I'll want to adopt a baby from Africa. But, while I know that there are children who need help and need homes there, I also saw how easy it would be for corruption and deception to enter into an adoption process and that I'd always wonder whether the story I'd been told about my child was true. What if my child had been placed in an unethical way? What if that child had loving parents that didn't really understand what was happening to their child? There are stories upon stories of such things and while I have no doubt that there are very ethical adoption agencies that do their best to ensure that everything is handled appropriately, I'm not sure I could ever be completely comfortable without actually knowing a child's whole story. But I was willing to look at International Adoption objectively, especially since we are willing to adopt a toddler. Unfortunately, between my ethical concerns and some prejudice in the developing world concerning antidepressants, it seems that we would only have a chance of adopting a child with significant special needs or a much older child. I don't think we're ready for either of those options, so it looks like International Adoption is not an option.


So, that leaves us with domestic adoption. I figured that was a little more cut and dry. Baby is released for adoption. We adopt the baby. Sure, I knew that there were laws that made this more complicated, that birth father rights have to be considered when dealing with an expectant mom exploring adoption, that mothers may change their minds after the baby is born. But, after reading more and more, I see that there are also ethical issues surrounding domestic adoption that I'd never considered. Will my agency pressure a mother to make an adoption plan? What if I agree to an open adoption and the birth family becomes destructive or unstable? In my state, I would have the right to close it, but would that be wrong if I'd agreed to an open adoption? What about paying the expenses of the birth mother? Some moms are in great need, but the amount of money in some cases seems extreme. I still think that adopting domestically will be a better fit for us because we will likely be able to have some contact with the birth family so that we can be sure that they are really making a decision they believe to be the right one without duress, but it is not free of ethical concerns. There are some big questions ahead for DH and I to consider and what I've written here is really only the beginning.

Are you ready to learn more about adoption? Come along for the ride. I don't know where we'll end up, but at least we'll learn something along the way.

Marriage

Apparently I have reached the age where marriages begin to unravel. Friends in all of our circles have been experiencing major marital upheaval and divorce. It is extremely disconcerting, especially when it is unexpected. It makes me acutely aware that, even with my closest friends, there is often a lot I don't know about their lives.

Inevitably, it makes me wonder, could it happen to me? DH and I have talked a lot about how we can keep our marriage healthy and weather the storms that come our way. I believe that we can and that we are doing really well. Knowing the stories of others, though, helps me understand just how important it is to deal with issues and problems as they arise, trust my instincts when they tell me something isn't right, and not allow myself or my husband to retreat into isolation when times get tough.

The latest round of divorces have rattled me, I'll admit. I hope that I can take away something positive. I'll definitely be praying for my own family and for those in my life hurting terribly right now.

You know what's really unfair?

When you've finally started to come to terms with the idea of not having another baby and then your period decides to be a week late, just for the fun of it. That will play with your mind, I tell ya.

One of the hardest parts of this all for me is that, after everything we've been through, I don't think I'll ever again not be hyper-aware of my cycle. Unlike many people who deal with infertility, I have a very regular cycle, and ovulate normally. I just have old lady ovaries and eggs. So, even though I'm starting to understand that pregnancy is not going to happen and have stopped buying pregnancy tests (though I did use my last one when my period was late this month) and have begun imagining what adoption might look like, I have the constant biological reminder, that while everything seems to work just like it's supposed to, it's actually broken beyond repair.

I think I've long been very sensitive to those struggling with infertility, but obviously I'm in a different place now, and relate on a whole new level.

When I peruse websites about adoption there are so many conflicting emotions - sadness, excitement, fear, worries, frustration, hope. It's a tough thing to navigate, but I'm working on it. And I have great people to help me through.