Big Questions

I thought I was relatively informed about adoption. I knew that there was plenty to learn, but I assumed that most of it was technical stuff that I'd figure out as I went along. As I've begun dipping my toes into research, I've realized that ethical issues are much bigger and more complex than I understood. Since I've lived and worked in a developing country, I was already a bit uneasy about the prospect of international adoption. This always surprises people I know because they all assume I'll want to adopt a baby from Africa. But, while I know that there are children who need help and need homes there, I also saw how easy it would be for corruption and deception to enter into an adoption process and that I'd always wonder whether the story I'd been told about my child was true. What if my child had been placed in an unethical way? What if that child had loving parents that didn't really understand what was happening to their child? There are stories upon stories of such things and while I have no doubt that there are very ethical adoption agencies that do their best to ensure that everything is handled appropriately, I'm not sure I could ever be completely comfortable without actually knowing a child's whole story. But I was willing to look at International Adoption objectively, especially since we are willing to adopt a toddler. Unfortunately, between my ethical concerns and some prejudice in the developing world concerning antidepressants, it seems that we would only have a chance of adopting a child with significant special needs or a much older child. I don't think we're ready for either of those options, so it looks like International Adoption is not an option.


So, that leaves us with domestic adoption. I figured that was a little more cut and dry. Baby is released for adoption. We adopt the baby. Sure, I knew that there were laws that made this more complicated, that birth father rights have to be considered when dealing with an expectant mom exploring adoption, that mothers may change their minds after the baby is born. But, after reading more and more, I see that there are also ethical issues surrounding domestic adoption that I'd never considered. Will my agency pressure a mother to make an adoption plan? What if I agree to an open adoption and the birth family becomes destructive or unstable? In my state, I would have the right to close it, but would that be wrong if I'd agreed to an open adoption? What about paying the expenses of the birth mother? Some moms are in great need, but the amount of money in some cases seems extreme. I still think that adopting domestically will be a better fit for us because we will likely be able to have some contact with the birth family so that we can be sure that they are really making a decision they believe to be the right one without duress, but it is not free of ethical concerns. There are some big questions ahead for DH and I to consider and what I've written here is really only the beginning.

Are you ready to learn more about adoption? Come along for the ride. I don't know where we'll end up, but at least we'll learn something along the way.