When you've finally started to come to terms with the idea of not having another baby and then your period decides to be a week late, just for the fun of it. That will play with your mind, I tell ya.
One of the hardest parts of this all for me is that, after everything we've been through, I don't think I'll ever again not be hyper-aware of my cycle. Unlike many people who deal with infertility, I have a very regular cycle, and ovulate normally. I just have old lady ovaries and eggs. So, even though I'm starting to understand that pregnancy is not going to happen and have stopped buying pregnancy tests (though I did use my last one when my period was late this month) and have begun imagining what adoption might look like, I have the constant biological reminder, that while everything seems to work just like it's supposed to, it's actually broken beyond repair.
I think I've long been very sensitive to those struggling with infertility, but obviously I'm in a different place now, and relate on a whole new level.
When I peruse websites about adoption there are so many conflicting emotions - sadness, excitement, fear, worries, frustration, hope. It's a tough thing to navigate, but I'm working on it. And I have great people to help me through.
1 comment:
I think once you become super aware of your body signs for baby making purposes, its hard to just ignore them. Especially when your body decides to mess with you and your period comes on week late, definitely not fair.
From a personal level, I can tell you that one thing I am working really, really hard on is letting go of how I thought things (specifically on the pregnancy/having kids side) were going to look like for me and embracing how they are unfolding instead. I pray that adjusting my perspective and expectations brings some much needed peace to my life.
Thinking of you
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