That's what my husband asked me after I told him that I had started spotting and stopped sobbing. My answer was that of course we would, but that the journey might be longer and more complicated than we thought. I haven't wrapped my brain around that myself yet either.
I always tell myself that I'm not going to get my hopes up, but I just can't help it. I know that lots of couples have been at this way longer than us and have gone through so much more. I'm just not sure what our next steps will be. I'm not ready to have "next steps." We've talked about it, and I know we have different feelings about what to do next. I'm frustrated and tired and scared and I feel like a failure. I know it's ridiculous and irrational, but it's how I feel right now.
He asked if he should call to set up a semen analysis. I told him that it was his call. Whether he wanted to do it now, or wait until it had been officially one year, I would support him. I have mixed feelings, too. While I know that we need to know what issues we may have, I'm also terrified of finding out.
I had a pretty rotten day at school to top it off. I love, love, love teaching. It's too bad that I feel like I don't really get to teach very often. Instead, I deal with paperwork, bureaucracy, discipline, parents, paperwork, and a myriad of other things (yes, I know I said paperwork twice). I'm a good teacher, but I just don't enjoy my job very much anymore.
So, now what?
3 comments:
I have the "So now what" feeling alot lately and Im really sorry you're feeling frustrated.
I know that the one thing that has been bringing me relief lately is my timeline. I wrote down a huge timeline of what we are going to do and when. When we will go the new RE, when I will have my lap, when we will begin interviewing adoption agencies, etc. I want to cover all bases. I can tell you that after I made the timeline, I was able to sit back and have some comfort because with a plan like that, Im going to be a mom one way or another.
This process is painful and some days are better than others. Just remember, you're never alone in it. There are always people that understand. Hang in there!
Thank you, Shannon. I appreciate your support. The timeline is a good idea. I'll have to think about that. It's good to know that there is support out there. It can feel pretty lonely sometimes.
I'm so sorry you are going through this! I do know how it feels to be scared of the unknown and the next steps. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. :)
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