What Now?

I'm feeling rather ambivalent right now. I'm scared to get too excited about a new cycle and new chances to conceive when it took us eight months to get to this point. It may be a long road. On the other hand, I want to do everything I can to move forward.

It's been a hard week at school. Nothing terrible has happened, but the constant problems are wearing on me and I can tell that I'm not as patient. I fuss more and tolerate less. I was extremely frustrated by some of the work my students handed in today. I got so upset that I brought on a tension headache. I know that I can't continue to let things get to me like this, but I can't completely detach myself either. How to I love these kids so much and want so desperately for them to succeed, but also not lose sleep and make myself ill with worry and frustration? How do I maintain my enthusiasm and passion for kids and for teaching without losing my mind?

I've felt for quite some time that I'm on the edge of a burn out. The recent emotional turmoil does not help. I have always believed that teaching was a calling. I always wanted to teach middle school kids. Maybe I am just a masochist, but I love them. I think they are amazing and so much happens in middle school. I still love the kids, but I'm not so sure about the job any more. Every year, I feel like my hands are tied more and more and I get to do less and less of the things I love about teaching. Is it just this school? This class? The stress of so many changes in my life? Or is it really time for me to be looking to make a move professionally? Or is it just my restless spirit that can't seem to stay in the same place for more that 3 or 4 years?

If I were still pregnant, the answer to this question would be much easier. I would have been due in July. I would just plan on finishing the year and then staying home with my child. If it doesn't happen soon, though, I'll have to figure out what to do about next school year. My school insurance is so much better that my husband's, so quitting before I delivered would be even more of a financial hit than just my salary. So, I'm just praying and hoping and praying some more. At some point, I'll know what's right for me and my family.