Waiting and wondering...

That's what the 2ww is all about, I guess. I pay way too much attention to every symptom, and get my hopes up every single time, despite my best efforts to convince myself that I could not possibly be pregnant.

I took a pregnancy test this morning because it's DH's birthday and how cool would that be? Of course, it was negative, but it's only about 9 or 10DPO. I don't know exactly because I didn't chart very well this month. The month of my chemical pregnancy, I didn't get a postive test until 14 dpo, so we shall see.

Going back to work was kind of tough this morning, but I feel like it was a good day teaching. I'm going to have some unhappy parent calls tomorrow because I sent home progress reports today. I'm bracing myself. I deal much better with the kids than I do with their parents!

Oh, and Go Commodores! Yay to Vanderbilt for winning the Music City Bowl!

Goodbye to 2008

It's been a good year. Almost exactly a year ago, we closed on our new house and began quite the renovation project. We love our new home and have enjoyed hosting family and having the space to do more. We took a fantastic trip to Poland. Our first international travel experience together was so much fun. I hope we'll take another trip abroad very soon.

We just returned from a much needed getaway to San Diego. What a wonderful trip. We spent a day at Sea World and another day at the incredible San Diego Zoo. We packed the other days with lots of sights and an NFL game. It was just what we needed - a chance to get away and reconnect to some of the things we love to do together.

I don't know what the next year will bring. I'm worried that it will involve tests and procedures and diagnoses regarding fertility. We have a few more months, though, before thinking about any of that. I got a positive OPK on Christmas day, just before we had to leave for the airport. I didn't take a thermometer with me on the trip, and honestly, I didn't even really think about TTC the whole time. The trip was about us being on vacation from everything, I think. So now, hopefully, we're refreshed and ready to begin a new year together - whatever it may bring (but we really, really, really, really hope and pray it will bring a baby).

I've been tagged...

Thank you Mrs. Pink! Here are my random facts...

1.) I have collected zebras since I was 4 years old. It was my favorite animal and it stuck. I still get zebra themed presents from many relatives. It annoyed me for awhile when I was a teenager, but now I remember that every time I receive a zebra, the person actually thought of me when buying the gift. It makes me happy.

2.) I speak Chichewa to my cat. I want to keep up the language skills I learned during my time in Africa, but there aren't too many people around that speak Chichewa, so I don't have much opportunity to practice. I'm sad to say that I've lost a lot of vocabulary. I will have to plan another trip back there again soon!

3.) My mother taught me from a very young age that books were very valuable and were never a waste of money. After moving around the country (and world), I can say that I have taken this lesson to heart. I love my books, but I sure hate moving them!

4.) I really hate that we're getting close to the 1 year mark TTC, but I hate it even more for my husband. He comes from a large family. He's the oldest and the only one without children. We have 4 nieces and 1 nephew and only 1 of them was planned. It's hard for him to see all of that.

5.) I have one brother. He has some developmental disabilities and some issues with mental illness. He stays with my father and will likely never get married or have children. My mom is dying for a grandchild and though she would never pressure me, I still feel pressured. Does that make any sense? Now that she has moved closer to me, I feel it even more. I know that in the back of her mind, she was moving closer to her future grandchildren.

6.) My husband and I joined a community concert band this fall and love it. We met at a summer band program and it only seemed appropriate that we dust of our instruments and remember how much we enjoy making music together. It has been such fun!

7.) I'm very proud of the Vanderbilt Commodores for going to their first bowl game in 26 years. I'm disappointed that I won't be able to go. I've suffered through many bad seasons. I really hope that there is another opportunity sooner than 26 years from now! Go Dores!

So there you have it...Happy Holidays to all. May you have a New Year full of peace and joy.

A Much Needed Break...

Today is my first official day of winter break and I feel so relieved. It's 9:00 and I just managed to get dressed. I have so much that I need to get done today, but I think I deserve to relax a little, too.

I finished Christmas cards yesterday. I know that some people won't get them until after Christmas, but I can't ever seem to get it done until school is out. I know they'll understand. Besides, I'm a true believer in the twelve days of Christmas. As long as they arrive by Epiphany, they are on time!

I'm attempting to be more rational about TTC this cycle. The distraction of the holidays is helping. I can't wait for our trip to San Diego. We leave on Christmas day. We both need the getaway so much. It's been a tough few months.

We talked yesterday about having his family come again over the summer. I had hoped that we would have a little one by then when we discussed it last year, but since that won't happen, we'll invite them back again. It was pretty crazy with three kids here. If his other sisters come with their kids, it will be a zoo, but fun nonetheless. We enjoy being the cool aunt and uncle. His family has difficulty in planning ahead, though, so who knows what will actually happen?

No word from the university yet. I'm not surprised. I didn't expect to hear from them until the new year, but was hoping. I hope they at least call for an interview.

So, I'm still trying to focus on the big picture. For me, I think I'm doing well. We discussed how badly we need to get healthier in the new year. I hope that this time we can make it stick. I want to be able to set good examples and instill good habits in our future children. If we decide to do it together, I know we'll be fine. Over the next couple of weeks, though, we need to get more specific and set some rules for ourselves.

TTC is still a big part of our lives, but we can't make it our primary focus anymore. It's too emotionally taxing and not healthy. It has prompted us to be more regular in our church attendance and more involved in our community, though. It's a frustrating situation, but God uses all things, right?

Double Digits

Okay, so my period showed up today, so I've begun cycle 10. It was no surprise, but since the spotting lasted longer than usual, I was a little confused. I wasn't sure I wanted to find out I was pregnant if I was spotting that much, after what happened last month, so I'm actually kind of relieved (along with my disappointment, of course). I already had a good cry when I started spotting, so now, I'm just going to enjoy caffeine and a few drinks this week.

We're going to a party this evening, and I told my husband that I was looking forward to a drink, but then he told me that the hosts were teetotalers. I don't mind that at all and I very rarely drink either, but I was a little disappointed!

I'm trying to stay focused on a bigger picture. I know that, in the long run, it will not matter what month I conceive or give birth, or that it took a long time or a short time. Right now a month seems far away, but I know that it will go quickly, especially with the holidays. I'm going to try to be healthier this month, which I know will be hard over the holidays and during travel. I've made a few changes, but not nearly enough.

I think I'm slowly learning to live my life without letting the possibility of babies consume me. If I'm still not pregnant by the end of the school year, we'll have to look into taking the next steps, but for now, I'm going to try to do things for myself and my career and my marriage and let the baby making take care of itself. Wish me luck!

Here we go again...

So, I started spotting today...right on schedule. Yippee. I guess it's going to be on to cycle 10 for me. I'm taking it okay for now, but we'll see how I do the next few days. I'm starting to wonder if this will ever happen for me.

My sister-in-law just had her baby. I guess I should be happy for her, even though she's unemployed, in a bad relationship, and it's her second child. She doesn't even take care of the first one. I'm glad that mom and baby are healthy, but that's about as enthusiastic as I can be right now.

On a different note, I sent in all my supplementary application materials for the jobs at the university today. I hope they at least call me for an interview. I need something to look forward to in my life right now that does not involve my reproductive cycle.

Teaching is actually going rather well, minus the insane amount of paperwork and the parents that are mad because I won't give their children good grades just because they have annoying parents. Did that sound bitter? I'm just tired of having to justify every single assignment or decision I make to parents who really don't care, but think that if they're loud enough, their children will pass, even if they don't do anything all year. The kids have been great this week, though. I'm even teaching the unit on fractions, which is usually kind of rough. It's nice to actually get to feel like a teacher. It's unfortunate that I don't get to do the part of the job I love nearly enough.

Most Wonderful Time of the Year

So, I applied for the jobs at the university. I'm still working on getting letters of recommendation together so that I can send in my packet of information, but I submitted the online portion of the application last weekend. I have no idea what my chances are, but I decided that I had to give it a try. My husband has been very supportive. I think he's tired of me stressing out so much about my job.

Of course, as soon as I come to this decision, things have gotten easier at school. Not easy, just easier. With the kids that got sent to alternative school gone, it's amazing the difference in my classroom. I feel like a normal teacher again with normal behavior problems. My mom, who helped a bit in my classroom earlier in the year and then came in again last week noticed the difference, too. Everyone has simply calmed down. It's amazing how 4 kids (out of 110) can make that big a difference. I really am praying that they all get the help and support that they need to turn thing around in their lives and I still think about them and worry about them, but I am so thankful that I can now focus my energy on some of the other kids instead of constantly dealing with their behavior.

Of course, during the same week, I had 2 parents yell at me because I wasn't doing enough for their children, kids and parents upset with me for giving their kids detentions to finish missing assignments (hello! I could have just given them zeros!), and have to start working on personalized education plans for about 25 kids, so there's still plenty of stress to go around.

I'm doing well on the TTC front. Just a waiting game at this point. I did indeed get the smiley face on Thanksgiving. I'm trying not to be obsessive about phantom symptoms, but it's hard. After the miscarriage, I think I want it even more than I did before, which is hard for me to believe. But, I'm trying very hard not to get my hopes up because I know that, after this experience, every new cycle is going to hurt so much more than it did before.