Thoughts at 15 weeks

So, I looked back at my early blog entries and I started crying.  I remember feeling hopeless after my miscarriage.  I remember my husband feeling helpless.  I remember thinking that I'd never get (and stay) pregnant and dreading the coming months because I assumed that they would bring more heartache and disappointment.  

And then we got our surprise.  How wonderful it is!  Not long after we had the first ultrasound at 8 weeks and began to feel like this really might be it for us, my husband said something interesting.  He said that he felt like one of those couples that gets so wrapped up in the wedding that they forget about the marriage.  We had been thinking so much about getting pregnant, that now it was such a shock to start imagining the idea that we were going to be parents.  He's right.  Even before we began TTC, we had lots of talks and jokes and general fun thinking about what it would be like to have children.  But as TTC became a longer journey, those playful moments became painful instead of fun.  It's so nice to have that back now.  

Of course, I am aware that my journey to pregnancy was not nearly as long as so many others, and I realize how much I've learned from the year of TTC.   I believe that I'm more understanding and less likely to judge others.   I believe I'm more sensitive and think more about how I approach others whose struggles I may never know.

Early in the school year, a colleague had a baby that was stillborn.  It was a horrible shock to everyone.  Today, she offered me her maternity clothes.  It still makes me want to cry for her. She is amazing.  She talks so openly about her pregnancy, losing the pregnancy weight, her symptoms and issues.  It seems like she wants to talk and so I let her.  Maybe it's an outlet that she needs.  But it's still so incredibly sad - and scary.  

On another random note.  One of my classes apparently had a discussion in science class about whether or not I was pregnant.  It seems that one of the kids overheard a conversation I had with another teacher.  One girl just suggested the practical solution - just wait and see if her stomach gets big.  We'll see if any of them get brave enough to ask me or if the gossip just continues for another few weeks.  The belly is definitely getting bigger.  The curiosity will get the best of them eventually!  For now, I'm loving it.  

Time to Celebrate!

We just got back from a fun trip to New York.  My husband got to tell the rest of his family about our coming new addition and everyone is very excited, of course.  We posted messages on our Facebook pages on Easter morning, so we've been receiving lots of well-wishes and congratulations from our more distant friends.  It's nice to not be keeping a secret anymore and to feel like we can really celebrate.  Easter seemed like such an appropriate time to let the cat out of the bag!

Speaking of secrets, my students don't know yet.  There are rumors floating around some of the girls and they've started asking questions to other teachers, but no one has confirmed it yet.  I'm sure someone will be brave enough to ask me soon.  But apparently some of of my kids think I'm just putting on some weight.  One of my students brought me a book on Thursday - "Eat this Not That" the diet/weight loss book!  I know the kid meant absolutely nothing by it, but it had me in stitches.  The rest of the 6th grade teachers thought it was pretty funny, too.  He also let me know that he had all of the Biggest Loser books at home if I wanted to borrow them!  The funny part is, I actually haven't gained any weight since my first appointment.  I am definitely changing shape, though, especially around the middle.  Hilarious.

We'll see how long after spring break it takes for all of my students to figure out that I'm pregnant.  

12 Weeks and Counting!

It is still hard for me to believe a lot of days.  I keep thinking about all of the days that I was sure I would never get pregnant.  Now, I've stopped hiding the pregnancy books from the maid service that comes every other week.  My school knows that I'm pregnant.  We're going to tell the rest of friends and family in the next week or two.  I'm starting to develop a little bump.  No one but me and my husband could tell, I'm sure, since I'm a little on the fluffy side, anyway.

My best friends from out of town will be learning about our little one when they receive their Easter packages this week.  I started making Easter baskets for them when we were in college and I've kept it up ever since.  There's always a theme and this year's is baby.  My closest friend already knows, because my due date will be causing me to miss her wedding in October, which makes be very sad.  She's quite eager for everyone else to know, too!  We're going to see DH's family over Easter weekend, so we'll be telling them in person.  He has worked so hard to keep it a secret.  He's not the best secret keeper, usually.  I think he's been managing by telling everyone else on the planet!

For some reason, I'm not really looking forward to my students finding out.  I teach middle school and I'm just not sure how they will react.  I'm not their favorite teacher.  Hey, I teach math, it comes with the territory!  We get along fine, but they are middle school kids and I usually have a very thick skin, but if they start making comments about baby, I don't know if I'll handle it well.  I'm probably just being paranoid.   They'll likely be very excited and all will be well.  My plan is to wait until one of them asks me and just say that, "yes, I am pregnant." Then time how many seconds it takes for the whole 6th grade to know.  Their gossip networks work fast!  Anyway, it's just a matter of time.  

My husband got to go to my 12 week appointment with me this week.  The OB warned us that he was looking for a very tiny heart in a very tiny baby, so not to worry if it took him awhile to find it with the Doppler.  Then, about 10 seconds later he found it!  I'm glad the little sprout decided to cooperate.  Now, my husband wants to go to all of my appointments, which is very sweet.  I think that he was really disappointed that he missed the first one with the ultrasound and now doesn't want to miss anything!  It's great, though.  I love having him there, even if the whole appointment only took 20 minutes.  

What a day!

The sprout is fine and I've actually been feeling better, except that I seemed to have pulled some kind of muscle in my rump.  It really hurts, especially when I stand up after sitting down.  I'm up and down a lot as a teacher, so it's been interesting.

Speaking of teaching, I had several notes from angry parents about their kids grades today, even though I've informed them multiple times of the problems.  They don't seem to want to do anything until it's the end of the grading period.  Grades are due tomorrow, people!  It's too late! Better luck next nine weeks.  Grrrr...

Oh, and three of the kids we sent to alternative school earlier in the year are coming back on Monday.  My year was horrible at the beginning, but got so much better after these students left.  June definitely got further away.  I will be starting the end-of-year count down early this year, I think.  

So this turned out to be one big vent, I guess.  On a brighter note, word is getting around and it's kind of fun for folks to know what is happening.  I'm not ready for my students to know yet (or ever, maybe), but I know that it is bound to happen eventually.  

Starting to cave...

My husband and I are starting to cave in and tell people. We are just so excited that we can't keep it in anymore! After I told my coworker that saw me throw up, he told a few of his coworkers. So then, I had to answer that by telling a couple more of mine. I think we've told enough people now, that word will spread quickly. We did say to them all that we were keeping things quiet for now, but I'm not expecting too much secrecy at this point, and that's okay.

I only feel bad because we haven't told some of our family and closest friends because we have special things planned for the week of Easter. There's almost no chance of them finding out before hand because they are all out of state, but I feel a little bad that coworkers know before my father-in-law.

I have been feeling pretty bad, but better than last week. I made it through the whole week of work and got my kids caught up so that they will be ready for testing next week at the end of the grading period - well, at least as ready as they'll ever be. I've had a lot of trouble sleeping and getting comfortable. I thought that wasn't supposed to be a problem until I had a big bump, but apparently not. My husband got me a new body pillow, which has been somewhat helpful. It's hard teaching, but every time I think about the baby, I just get so excited that none of the discomfort matters.

3 more weeks until spring break. I hope I can make it until then!

So this is morning sickness...

I've had waves of nausea since about 6 weeks and some days have definitely been worse than others, but today, I actually threw up. I haven't done that since I was in the Peace Corps. It is not fun.

This morning, after I brushed my teeth, I started heaving, but nothing came up. I ate a little cereal and went on to school. By the time I got there, I knew I wouldn't make it through the day, so I went to our bookkeeper, who also finds substitutes for us and asked if he could find someone. I went to my room to get some plans ready. The bell rings for the kids to come in. I immediately got sweaty and knew I'd better get out of there. I ran to the bathroom where the fun began. Luckily they found me a sub quickly and I've been home.

The funny part is that one of my good friends, my teammate for 2 years was in the lounge where I ran. She stopped to check on me and make sure that I had a substitute coming. She then started telling me how sorry she was while I was washing my hands and rinsing my mouth. I told her "don't be sorry." She kept talking. I said, "no, really, don't be sorry," and flashed her a grin. She got it right away, because she knew we'd been trying for awhile. She was so excited and promised to keep the secret, though I think it might not be much of a secret much longer!

My Beautiful Blob

My first appointment was fantastic. I didn't know they were going to do an ultrasound, but that was the first thing they did. I teared up when I saw the little bean sprout and heard the heartbeat. There's really something in there! It may just be a fuzzy looking blob, but it's in there. And now my husband will have to stop teasing me about twins, because there is only one baby in there - phew!

Everything went very well and I love my OBGYN. I already knew this, since I've been seeing him for GYN stuff for a few years, but I love him even more today. He's just so calming and helpful without being the least bit condescending. I hope he is at my delivery. I'll be meeting other doctors in the practice at other appointments. I hope I like them, too.