Thoughts at 15 weeks

So, I looked back at my early blog entries and I started crying.  I remember feeling hopeless after my miscarriage.  I remember my husband feeling helpless.  I remember thinking that I'd never get (and stay) pregnant and dreading the coming months because I assumed that they would bring more heartache and disappointment.  

And then we got our surprise.  How wonderful it is!  Not long after we had the first ultrasound at 8 weeks and began to feel like this really might be it for us, my husband said something interesting.  He said that he felt like one of those couples that gets so wrapped up in the wedding that they forget about the marriage.  We had been thinking so much about getting pregnant, that now it was such a shock to start imagining the idea that we were going to be parents.  He's right.  Even before we began TTC, we had lots of talks and jokes and general fun thinking about what it would be like to have children.  But as TTC became a longer journey, those playful moments became painful instead of fun.  It's so nice to have that back now.  

Of course, I am aware that my journey to pregnancy was not nearly as long as so many others, and I realize how much I've learned from the year of TTC.   I believe that I'm more understanding and less likely to judge others.   I believe I'm more sensitive and think more about how I approach others whose struggles I may never know.

Early in the school year, a colleague had a baby that was stillborn.  It was a horrible shock to everyone.  Today, she offered me her maternity clothes.  It still makes me want to cry for her. She is amazing.  She talks so openly about her pregnancy, losing the pregnancy weight, her symptoms and issues.  It seems like she wants to talk and so I let her.  Maybe it's an outlet that she needs.  But it's still so incredibly sad - and scary.  

On another random note.  One of my classes apparently had a discussion in science class about whether or not I was pregnant.  It seems that one of the kids overheard a conversation I had with another teacher.  One girl just suggested the practical solution - just wait and see if her stomach gets big.  We'll see if any of them get brave enough to ask me or if the gossip just continues for another few weeks.  The belly is definitely getting bigger.  The curiosity will get the best of them eventually!  For now, I'm loving it.