Big Questions

I thought I was relatively informed about adoption. I knew that there was plenty to learn, but I assumed that most of it was technical stuff that I'd figure out as I went along. As I've begun dipping my toes into research, I've realized that ethical issues are much bigger and more complex than I understood. Since I've lived and worked in a developing country, I was already a bit uneasy about the prospect of international adoption. This always surprises people I know because they all assume I'll want to adopt a baby from Africa. But, while I know that there are children who need help and need homes there, I also saw how easy it would be for corruption and deception to enter into an adoption process and that I'd always wonder whether the story I'd been told about my child was true. What if my child had been placed in an unethical way? What if that child had loving parents that didn't really understand what was happening to their child? There are stories upon stories of such things and while I have no doubt that there are very ethical adoption agencies that do their best to ensure that everything is handled appropriately, I'm not sure I could ever be completely comfortable without actually knowing a child's whole story. But I was willing to look at International Adoption objectively, especially since we are willing to adopt a toddler. Unfortunately, between my ethical concerns and some prejudice in the developing world concerning antidepressants, it seems that we would only have a chance of adopting a child with significant special needs or a much older child. I don't think we're ready for either of those options, so it looks like International Adoption is not an option.


So, that leaves us with domestic adoption. I figured that was a little more cut and dry. Baby is released for adoption. We adopt the baby. Sure, I knew that there were laws that made this more complicated, that birth father rights have to be considered when dealing with an expectant mom exploring adoption, that mothers may change their minds after the baby is born. But, after reading more and more, I see that there are also ethical issues surrounding domestic adoption that I'd never considered. Will my agency pressure a mother to make an adoption plan? What if I agree to an open adoption and the birth family becomes destructive or unstable? In my state, I would have the right to close it, but would that be wrong if I'd agreed to an open adoption? What about paying the expenses of the birth mother? Some moms are in great need, but the amount of money in some cases seems extreme. I still think that adopting domestically will be a better fit for us because we will likely be able to have some contact with the birth family so that we can be sure that they are really making a decision they believe to be the right one without duress, but it is not free of ethical concerns. There are some big questions ahead for DH and I to consider and what I've written here is really only the beginning.

Are you ready to learn more about adoption? Come along for the ride. I don't know where we'll end up, but at least we'll learn something along the way.

Marriage

Apparently I have reached the age where marriages begin to unravel. Friends in all of our circles have been experiencing major marital upheaval and divorce. It is extremely disconcerting, especially when it is unexpected. It makes me acutely aware that, even with my closest friends, there is often a lot I don't know about their lives.

Inevitably, it makes me wonder, could it happen to me? DH and I have talked a lot about how we can keep our marriage healthy and weather the storms that come our way. I believe that we can and that we are doing really well. Knowing the stories of others, though, helps me understand just how important it is to deal with issues and problems as they arise, trust my instincts when they tell me something isn't right, and not allow myself or my husband to retreat into isolation when times get tough.

The latest round of divorces have rattled me, I'll admit. I hope that I can take away something positive. I'll definitely be praying for my own family and for those in my life hurting terribly right now.

You know what's really unfair?

When you've finally started to come to terms with the idea of not having another baby and then your period decides to be a week late, just for the fun of it. That will play with your mind, I tell ya.

One of the hardest parts of this all for me is that, after everything we've been through, I don't think I'll ever again not be hyper-aware of my cycle. Unlike many people who deal with infertility, I have a very regular cycle, and ovulate normally. I just have old lady ovaries and eggs. So, even though I'm starting to understand that pregnancy is not going to happen and have stopped buying pregnancy tests (though I did use my last one when my period was late this month) and have begun imagining what adoption might look like, I have the constant biological reminder, that while everything seems to work just like it's supposed to, it's actually broken beyond repair.

I think I've long been very sensitive to those struggling with infertility, but obviously I'm in a different place now, and relate on a whole new level.

When I peruse websites about adoption there are so many conflicting emotions - sadness, excitement, fear, worries, frustration, hope. It's a tough thing to navigate, but I'm working on it. And I have great people to help me through.

One Step at a TIme

It's been awhile :) We'll see if I become more regular this time or not, but as we begin a new phase of our parenting journey, I've found myself with more to say.

After a lot of discussions, we are leaning toward beginning the adoption process this summer. We will likely pursue domestic adoption. Nothing is certain yet and we are still working through some grieving over our inability to have biological children and trying to wrap our heads around a family that be different from the one that we had planned.

It's also hard to imaging adding a new little one to our family when things are pretty awesome right now. Sprout is every bit a three year-old, spirited, independent, and determined. She loves to learn and is reading everything she sees. She's a bit precocious (which I think she comes by honestly). But it's also hard to imagine her being an only child. So while no decisions have been made yet, we're leaning toward at least a more formal exploration of our options regarding adoption.

Needless to say, this is the beginning of a new emotional roller coaster and it's going to take a lot of patience and a lot of prayer.

Hopefully, I'll have more to say about all kinds of things as we move forward. Thanks to the few dedicated followers that haven't given up on my little blog!

Where one chapter ends

It's been an eventful few months in our household as we have struggled to conceive another child. It began with much optimism and plans for the future. Then the reality set in. I had a very low AMH, meaning that I have an extremely low ovarian reserve (As in, the measurement doesn't go any lower) and therefore would likely not respond well to fertility medications. During an HSG, they discovered polyps that I had to have surgery to remove and then because of the large number, I had to be on hormone therapy for about 6 weeks to rebuild the lining of my uterus.

After that we decided to try a few courses of timed intercourse with injectible FSH. During the first cycle I had 2 follicles, but did not get pregnant. Then I developed a cyst on my right ovary. I went on BCP for about a month and it didn't get any smaller, so we decided to drain it (ouch). We then initiated a second cycle on a higher dose of FSH - basically the same dose as many IVF patients and I still got 2 mature follicles. And a couple of days ago, we learned that the cycle failed as well.  Going in, we knew that we only had about a 15% chance with each cycle, but it still hurts.

The drugs have taken a toll on me. I have constant headaches and they have excacerbated some allergy issues. The clinic is also an hour and a half away from my house, so working out the clinic visits is extremely stressful. So, my DH and I sat down and had a long, tearful chat about whether we really wanted to continue and decided to walk away.

I'm sad.  Really sad. But it's the right decision for us. We are so blessed to have our miracle baby Sprout and now we know that she is very likely to be our only biological child. We've agreed to do a few Hail Mary cycles on our own, but once the New Year rolls around, we are officially going to stop TTC. I am relieved, but it is tough to face a reality that is so different than what we imagined it would be.

In the meantime, I am very busy with my deacon formation program. Taking three classes and I'm going to preach for the first time in church this Sunday. Sprout had a fabulous third birthday party. She continues to amaze us and her teachers. She is really reading now. You probably won't believe me. I wouldn't have believed anyone else telling me their three year old could read!

We're going to just relax into being a family for awhile. We decided not to decide anything more until next summer, when we'll sit down and start seriously researching and discussing the adoption process.

Maybe I'll be blogging more as I work through all of this, or maybe not.  But it is definitely a new chapter in my life as we grieve the end of one chapter and look forward in hope to the next.

Endings? New Beginnings?

I'm thinking about ending the blog.  I feel like it's run it's course.  I may start another with a different focus, but for now, I'm just not feeling inspired.  I'll probably leave it for awhile to make sure I have the important stuff saved somewhere for memory's sake.  Who knows?  Maybe I'll even change my mind.

I appreciate all of the support I've received here and those few faithful folks who still are following me even though I've barely written anything in a long time.

Filled with the Spirit

Sprout was a hoot at church today.  Apparently she was moved by the spirit - or they gave her too much apple juice in the church nursery.

DH went to get her from the nursery before communion. She came in and when we all were kneeling in prayer she sat and folded her hands and bowed her head and really tried to say the Lord's prayer with the congregation.  She managed a few words here and there and then, after everyone had finished, she shouted, "Amen!" to a quiet church. There was an audible chuckle.

Then, when we were waiting for our turn for communion, she kept begging, "Go up to the church, please!" As we were walking forward, she said, "Go up to the pillows!" (referring to the kneeling pillows at the communion rail).  On our way back, she told DH, "Very good job eating!" All of this was in her loud toddler voice in an otherwise very quiet church, so everyone heard the play-by-play.

Back at the pew, she spent a lot of time jumping up and down, she prayed some more, shouted, "Amen!" and "alleluia" at other appropriate times (though a few seconds after everyone else), and then got extremely upset during the recessional hymn when they were putting out the candles.  She cried, "turn them back on please!"

So, it was a memorable Pentecost Sunday for us.  And I'm a little proud.  She may still have a bit to learn about appropriate church behavior, but she clearly was paying attention, was happy to be there, and wanted to participate.  I figure we're doing something right!