Difficult week (and a few pictures)

Okay, here are a few pictures that I've snapped on my iPhone over the last couple of weeks. They may not be as good as DH's photos, but hopefully they'll hold you over. She's awfully cute, isn't she? I know I'm not biased or anything.

Lots of ups and downs this week. Sophia is great. She keeps growing and interacting more. She loves her play mat and is starting to figure out that she can move. She seems only interested in rolling halfway (to her side), but thinks it's awfully cool. She definitely found her voice and coos and chats to her imaginary friends. It's the cutest thing ever.

Of course, she's also learning to assert her independence, which leads to some frustration. Getting her to take naps, especially in the afternoons has been a real challenge. I haven't figured out any secrets yet. We finally got her to go down around 6:30 tonight, which is way late. So now, I don't know what to do. Do I wake her up and give her a bath and feed her? Do I just let her sleep and see what happens? I have no idea.

We had a terrible reflux day on Tuesday. When that happens, she latches on the the breast, eats a little while and then stops suddenly, arches her back, and screams. She often tries to take my nipple with her. It's awful. I feel terrible for her when it happens. I have no idea what caused it. She's at the maximum dose of her medication, and she was much better the next day. Wednesday, the reflux was better, but she must have hit some kind of growth spurt or my supply was off because she wanted to eat all day long. She didn't sleep at all and just wanted to stay attached.

Which leads to the next bit of bad news - it looks like there's another blister forming. I was so sure I was going to stay blister free after buying expensive bras and taking really good care of things. Apparently not. I'm so frustrated that I don't know what to do. I'll see how bad it gets. Between the reflux day and that constant feeding day, I guess it was too much. I love breastfeeding when I'm not in constant pain. I don't want to give up, but if this round is as bad as the last one, I don't know if I can take it. I was seriously ready to ditch the Advil and go for the leftover percocet. It was that bad. Maybe I can pump through the worst of it and then go back to breastfeeding? I don't know, but it makes me sad. It's no big deal today. I'm just dreading what comes next.

DH and I have been trying to alternate going to the YMCA to work out. I usually just walk on their indoor track. I put on my noise-cancelling headphones and play good music. It's such a nice escape. I'm a little frustrated because DH is supposed to be there now, but he's working on a computer project instead. I just made sure he understood that I was still taking my day to go tomorrow. We agreed to work harder at being healthy, but sometimes I really feel like I'm the only one willing to follow through.

And the biggest thing I'm bummed about is that we have tickets to see a show this weekend, but it's in the city 2 hours away. My mom is set to come babysit and we get to have a date. I've been looking forward to it for weeks. The weather, however, may ruin our plans. Wintry mix is expected late Friday night into Saturday morning. Saturday's high is supposed to be 30 degrees, which means roads will be bad. My mom has to drive an hour and a half to get here, too. It's looking more and more like it may not happen. I will cry if we have to cancel. I'm almost ready to cry now. I don't think I can express how much DH and I need time away together right now.

On the bright side, he booked a hotel for Valentine's weekend, since he happens to have a three day weekend. We'll be taking Sophia with us, but a weekend at the beach sounds awfully nice.

So motherhood is wonderful and painful and amazing and frustrating. I love my little girl so much, though, and I truly can't imagine life without her. Now, do I let her sleep or wake her up?

Bad Blogger

So, I'm not so sure about this blog thing anymore. I'm terrible at it. I promise pictures, but never post any, because they're all on DH's computer. Sorry about that. I check all my email from my iPhone while I'm nursing or rocking Sophia, and blogging from there is not really possible. When I do get to the computer, I spend the few minutes I have reading and catching up on everyone else's blogs. By the time I think about updating my own, there is something (or someone) else calling. Should I even bother anymore?

Even now, I'm bouncing Sophia in her bouncy seat and feeling guilty for not interacting with her. Though she is having a ball trying to grasp the little animals hanging from the seat. She's just figuring out how to do that and it's so cute. Look! She has the hippo now and made the lion play music! I have to admit, I never really understood how mom's could get so excited about such things, but now that I'm there, I totally get it. Every new development is so exciting and special. Sometimes I'm humbled by the enormity of it - all the new beginnings. The first time she rolled over (she's only done it once still, but that's okay), the first time she smiled or cooed, or grabbed the lion on her bouncy seat. They are all steps toward becoming her own person and I get teary just thinking about it. I guess I'm a softie after all.

Breastfeeding is still tough. Sophia's doing great, latching like a champ, eating well. My nipples, on the other hand keep getting blisters on them. They are unbelievably painful. They are actual friction blisters, not the little milk ones (which are also painful). The last round has been especially difficult and slow to heal. Yesterday, I ended up pumping and bottle feeding Sophia because it hurt so bad. It's a little better today, but as the blisters heal, they leave cracked, broken skin behind, so I'm on to that stage. Yesterday, it looked like I might have the beginnings of an infection, so I started with neosporin after every feeding and I have ridiculous plastic nipple shells to protect them.

I really think it's a bra issue. I saw the LC about it before and she said the latching was great. I've been sleeping in a pre-pregnancy bra to keep things in place and one day I slept in a target nursing bra and had blisters forming the next day. I ordered a Bravado nursing bra (I can't believe I spent that much on a bra), and it's fabulous. I've been wearing it everyday except when I'm washing. I'm ordering 2 more. I REALLY hope this solves the problem. I think I'm going to go see the LC again when I get healed up and actually make her watch an entire nursing session to be sure that there's nothing going on there. I don't want to wait until round 5 to find out I was wrong about the bra thing. I told my husband last night that I didn't know how long I'd be able to continue if it didn't get better. It's not supposed to be this painful 3 months in.

There are a million more things to say, but Sophia is now starting to nod off and I'd rather she slept in her crib than the bouncy seat because she'll stay asleep longer, so I'm going to tend to her. Thanks for reading.

3 Months and I'm a Slacker

That baby of mine sure does eat up a lot of time. She's wonderful, though, and doing great. She's starting to smile more in the mornings, which makes her daddy and me happy. She found her hands and chews on them constantly. She's interacting more and has found her voice, so she coos and talks to me. It's the best.

Unfortunately, she has a cold. It's made her a bit cranky, but she's handling it well. She's still sleeping at night (praise be!), but has a hard time during the day. Her coughing wakes her up. We seem to be on the downhill now. Her cough is better today, but she's extra snotty and draining a lot.

She was baptized on Sunday and was beautiful. She behaved very well and just stared at the priest when he poured water on her head. I'll have to post pictures soon of her in the the amazing gown that my mom made for her. She worked really hard on in and it's gorgeous. I hope we'll be able to use it for future children and that it will be in the family for a very long time.

But now it seems that she's awake again, so I'd better attend to her hungry belly. Nursing is going so much better. I think the nipple blisters were caused by my bras. No more sports bras for me. I need something that keeps things still and doesn't rub. I just have to find something better to sleep in than regular bras I was wearing during pregnancy. I ordered a couple, so hopefully something will work. Those blisters are incredibly painful!

2 month check up

Our little girl now weighs 10 pounds, 12 ounces and is 24 inches tall. She's right on track in everything. Her weight is in the 38th percentile and her height is in the 90th. There was a little worry at first about her head circumference because she had jumped from like the 30-something percentile to the 88th, which is not normal. However, when our doctor remeasured, he got an inch and a half less, which put us an a much more normal curve and out of any worry or danger.

She checked out very well and was really calm through the whole thing, until her shots. Her doctor commented on her great head control and we talked about her reflux. We talked about the fact that she doesn't really smile (only a handful of times, so far) or interact much yet. It was a good appointment. She was pretty grumpy most of the afternoon and evening, but still slept well.

The next day, she woke up and was smiling up a storm, so I think her doctor must have talked to her about it!

Two Months Old

Has it really been two months already? Has it really only been 2 months? I feel like I'm in a strange time warp. Sophia is wonderful. She's growing well and has her 2 month check up and shots (gulp) tomorrow. She has slept through the night for several days in a row, so we're hoping this trend continues. We definitely approve.

On the other end, though, she's been fussing/crying/screaming up a storm every evening. DH is already calling it colic and I guess that's probably what it is as there's no other explanation. It could be related to her reflux, but doesn't seem to be associated with her feedings. That's a whole different issue, but one we're still struggling with, too. Anyway, on Thursday, when DH was on call, she screamed and screamed. I ended up driving with her for an hour, which calmed her down, but as soon as we were back in the house, the screaming began again. Then, I gave her a bath, which calms her down, but as soon as she was out, the screaming began again. I really thought I was going to lose my mind. She finally went to sleep around 11pm. The next night was only a little better because DH had a migraine and couldn't really help, either. It was rough. Last night, though, we went out to DH's office Christmas party and she stayed with my mom. It was a nice break. When we came home, she was fussy, but went down relatively quickly.

Another consequence of sleeping through the night is my cycle is trying to start again. I've been through 3 rounds of PMS symptoms and spotting in the last few weeks as her feedings have spaced apart at night and she has one long stretch during the day, too. I haven't had a full period, but it's really aggravating. I mean, I was counting on not having a period for quite awhile since I was exclusively breastfeeding. We were hoping to use breastfeeding as our birth control for the first 6 months. But, alas, no! I'm not sure what we'll do now.

She's beautiful and wonderful and frustrating and time-consuming. I love her deeply and sometimes wish I could be a better mom for her. I mean, I'm doing my best, but she's so perfect, I can't help feeling bad when I get frustrated or upset or can't calm her when she's so obviously in some kind of pain. I hope this screaming phase passes soon, because it can sure wear a mommy down. It's a good thing she's so darn cute!

8 weeks and Reflux

Wow! Sophia is 8 weeks old today. She's grown and changed so much, it's hard to believe. She gets more beautiful every day, I think, if that's even possible.

A few weeks ago we started having difficulties feeding. She was fighting me and screaming a lot when I was trying to feed her and started spitting up a lot more. It's kind of handy to live with a pediatrician every now and then. He suggested that it could be reflux and got a prescription for Zantac. We started her on it and she got better, but I wasn't really convinced that it was reflux. I thought maybe she just had a few fussy days. We tried taking her off it a few days later and she got fussy again. Plus, I did some reading and it did sound like that's what she had, so we decided to keep her on the medication.

Then the last few days, we started having problems again. Generally, when she starts to squirm while I'm breastfeeding, it's because she has a gas bubble. I can burp her and she's good to go, but not now. She just got worse and worse. I must have forgotten everything that happened weeks earlier because I didn't even think about it being her reflux until DH suggested we up her dose of Zantac since she's gotten bigger. We decided we'd do that with her evening dose yesterday.

We never made it that far. One feeding in the afternoon took two hours because of all the screaming and misery. I felt so bad for her and I also felt bad for me. I was in tears because I just didn't know what to do to help her. She starts writhing and thrashing when she latches on and it's tearing apart my nipples. Finally, I text DH and he suggests giving her a little boost of Zantac. Praise be, it worked! She settled down and ate.

I was a mess when DH got home and I was supposed to go to a class at my church. I put on my shoes and DH looked at me and said, "why don't you just go to bed?" So I did. It was wonderful. She fed well, but woke up at 1am instead of 3, which is her normal time these days. Then, she was ready to party. After she ate, she was so glad to be feeling better that she was not interested in sleep, so I put her in her crib to party with with the animals in her mobile and sat down in the comfy chair to take a nap. She eventually got fussy and I was able to swaddle her and get her to sleep. And then she took a nice nap after her early morning feeding, so I napped, too.

She's been doing really well today, though still a little squirmy at the breast, so we'll see. Hopefully, the extra medication does the trick and I'll be back to my happy baby. She's not been napping much at all lately - just 20 to 30 minute catnaps, which makes it difficult to get anything accomplished. In retrospect, my husband thinks that might have also been because of the reflux. She's doing great today, so we'll see.

We have officially moved up a size in diapers. The newborn cloth and disposable diapers no longer contain her messes and we've moved on. They grow up so fast!

Seven Weeks

So, I've become an errant blogger, but Sophia keeps me so busy! If I could blog easily from my iPhone, I might keep things updated better.

She's doing beautifully and growing well. No day is like any other. She's had a few days where she slept 6-7 hours per night and then last night she was back to 3-4. But she sleeps well during those hours, so I don't feel like I can complain much.

Breastfeeding was really hard at the beginning, but has gotten much better. She eats about every 2 and a half hours during the day and it takes her 40 minutes to an hour to feed, so that's what I spend the majority of my day doing. I've had a couple of milk blisters (called "blebs" isn't that a great word?). They are extremely painful when she latches on, but are a pretty minor thing in the breastfeeding realm and don't affect her feeding much.

I was doing some things to increase my supply early on because she wasn't gaining weight well, but I stopped when things were looking better. I'm going to start again, because I think it's been a little low in the evenings. She just doesn't seem satisfied, and yesterday she was feeding almost two hours straight. She'd stop and I'd need to change her and then she'd want to eat again. My Lactation Consultant recommended fenugreek, mother's milk tea, and red wine. Oatmeal is also supposed to help. So, I've started back with the fenugreek now. We'll see if it helps. I pump after our first morning feeding to build up a freezer supply. I think I may start also pumping after an evening feeding, to increase my own milk supply. I hate pumping, though, so I'm not sure I'll follow through with that.

She's starting to have longer awake and happy times now. It's fun to interact with her a little more. We took her to weigh her on Monday and she weighs 9 pounds, 10 ounces. So, she's up about 2 pounds from her birth weight. I can definitely tell that she's heavier. She's getting much better head control and lifts up her head really well during tummy time.

Overall, I'm simply in love and so grateful that I get to be home with her. Some days are really difficult, but I can't imagine going back to teaching right now, as I'd have to go back next week. I was worried that I'd want to go back to work and was second guessing my decision to take the year off, but now there is no doubt that I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.

I feel like there's so much more to say, but this is long enough already. I'll just have to try to blog more often. If Sophia ever gets more consistent with her naps, that will be much easier!