Overwhelmed

So, I took Sophia in for a weight check yesterday. She had dropped a bit in percentiles at her four month check-up, so we wanted to do a weight re-check in a month to make sure she was on track. She's not. She only gained 6 ounces in a month. I'm so sad. In that same month she has blossomed developmentally. She is smiling and laughing and interacting more than ever. She has become such a joy and I hate putting her down for naps sometimes because she's so much fun.

Her pediatrician (one of DH's colleagues) is a wonderful, kind, and calm man. He is super supportive and did nothing to make me feel bad, but I did anyway. I feel like I should have known that she wasn't gaining weight. I feel like I've been doing so much and working so hard to continue breastfeeding, but I've still failed. All the supplements and pain and giving up foods, did it end up hurting more than helping her? Should I have just given up in the beginning when my milk didn't come in quickly? I realize that all of these things are irrational. I realize that she has gotten many benefits from my breast milk and that she is growing and developing normally. The rational side of my brain is fine, but the emotional, hormonal mommy brain is having a rough time. I feel like I just got my test paper back and it has a D- on it.

So she's not gaining weight. As noted in previous posts, I breastfeed all the time. I cannot add in more feedings. We decided to go ahead and start her on solid foods. That's not a bad thing, but I feel like I'm cheating, somehow. Her pediatrician knows that I've had a difficult time with breastfeeding and told me that while he was not saying I should stop breastfeeding, I should give myself permission to give her formula occasionally if I want to and if it would make life easier. I'm not there yet. My sweet DH would say that I'm being stubborn and he's probably right. I don't think he can possibly understand how emotional breastfeeding can be. How when its working well and she's nursing, it's one of the sweetest moments ever.

I must say here that I have zero judgement on anyone who decided not to breastfeed or gave it up at some point. Believe me, I know how hard it is and know that others have struggled even more than I have. This post is about me and my hang-ups and not a tirade about how everyone should endure constant blinding pain from never-ending nipple blisters to nurse. I realize I'm crazy :)

So, we start foods and watch her more with the feedings. Maybe pump here and there in place of a feeding to get an idea of what she's eating. In a month we weigh in again. If she's dropped off more, then we start tests and lab work and extra needle pricks. I hope it doesn't come to that. The doctor (and DH) say that they really don't think she has an underlying medical issue because she is doing so well otherwise and her length and head measurements are still on track.

She had her first cereal last night. She loved it. It actually made me feel better about the whole thing. She sucked it down and would've eaten more, if we'd let her. She wasn't as crazy about it this morning. She ate some, but not as much and lost interest pretty quickly. I'm trying to think of it as a milestone, which it is. My little girl is growing up. Now we'd better hurry up and get a high chair. This feeding stuff is messy!