My Grandma

So, I was planning on getting to this with my "Overwhelmed" post, but Sophia woke up and I never got there.

My Grandma is 90 years old. She is an amazing woman. She has lived all over, including joining the Army in the middle of World War II and then just deciding to go to Alaska to get a job when she got out of the service. She has an adventurous spirit and she has had a profound influence on my life. She moved to Alabama when my brother and I were young because my brother has some significant disabilities and she wanted to be there to help my mom. A lot of times, that help involved spending time with me.

Anyway, her health is in serious decline. She developed macular degeneration many years ago and when it got to the point where she was more blind than not, she really couldn't live on her own anymore. She now rotates among my mother and her two sisters. She's been down this way staying with my mom since January and stayed with me last week while my mom was gone. It was tough. It was wonderful to spend time with her, but it was also hard to take care of her and Sophia. And then I felt guilty for feeling overwhelmed by it all.

Plus, every time I see her, I realize that she's getting weaker and weaker and needs more and more help. She talks a lot about dying now. I think she really thought that she would come down and meet Sophia and die while she was here. She's almost disappointed that she has to go back to New Jersey next week, when she usually is excited to move. Part of that is that she adores our little girl. She just ate up her time with us, though she lamented that she couldn't help me take care of her. I could see her disappointment when she would try to hold her, but was shaking too much and it just upset them both.

Losing her is going to be really tough when it happens and it makes me sad that Sophia will not get to know her like I did. I've started a project with the family of recording her stories so that we can compile them one day. I hate seeing her struggle so much and so weak. But I am so grateful that her mind is still as sharp as ever and that she can still share the things that are most important.

Overwhelmed

So, I took Sophia in for a weight check yesterday. She had dropped a bit in percentiles at her four month check-up, so we wanted to do a weight re-check in a month to make sure she was on track. She's not. She only gained 6 ounces in a month. I'm so sad. In that same month she has blossomed developmentally. She is smiling and laughing and interacting more than ever. She has become such a joy and I hate putting her down for naps sometimes because she's so much fun.

Her pediatrician (one of DH's colleagues) is a wonderful, kind, and calm man. He is super supportive and did nothing to make me feel bad, but I did anyway. I feel like I should have known that she wasn't gaining weight. I feel like I've been doing so much and working so hard to continue breastfeeding, but I've still failed. All the supplements and pain and giving up foods, did it end up hurting more than helping her? Should I have just given up in the beginning when my milk didn't come in quickly? I realize that all of these things are irrational. I realize that she has gotten many benefits from my breast milk and that she is growing and developing normally. The rational side of my brain is fine, but the emotional, hormonal mommy brain is having a rough time. I feel like I just got my test paper back and it has a D- on it.

So she's not gaining weight. As noted in previous posts, I breastfeed all the time. I cannot add in more feedings. We decided to go ahead and start her on solid foods. That's not a bad thing, but I feel like I'm cheating, somehow. Her pediatrician knows that I've had a difficult time with breastfeeding and told me that while he was not saying I should stop breastfeeding, I should give myself permission to give her formula occasionally if I want to and if it would make life easier. I'm not there yet. My sweet DH would say that I'm being stubborn and he's probably right. I don't think he can possibly understand how emotional breastfeeding can be. How when its working well and she's nursing, it's one of the sweetest moments ever.

I must say here that I have zero judgement on anyone who decided not to breastfeed or gave it up at some point. Believe me, I know how hard it is and know that others have struggled even more than I have. This post is about me and my hang-ups and not a tirade about how everyone should endure constant blinding pain from never-ending nipple blisters to nurse. I realize I'm crazy :)

So, we start foods and watch her more with the feedings. Maybe pump here and there in place of a feeding to get an idea of what she's eating. In a month we weigh in again. If she's dropped off more, then we start tests and lab work and extra needle pricks. I hope it doesn't come to that. The doctor (and DH) say that they really don't think she has an underlying medical issue because she is doing so well otherwise and her length and head measurements are still on track.

She had her first cereal last night. She loved it. It actually made me feel better about the whole thing. She sucked it down and would've eaten more, if we'd let her. She wasn't as crazy about it this morning. She ate some, but not as much and lost interest pretty quickly. I'm trying to think of it as a milestone, which it is. My little girl is growing up. Now we'd better hurry up and get a high chair. This feeding stuff is messy!

Colds, Breastfeeding, and Smiles

So, we are on the tail end of another cold. Poor Sophia. Having a pediatrician as a daddy does have it's downside. He tries so hard not to get her sick, but I think it's inevitable. Luckily, it's just been lots of colds so far. I just hate hearing that pitiful cough.

My blisters are clearing up, thankfully, and I've resigned myself to wearing plastic nipple shells for the duration of breastfeeding. I hate them, but they are a lot better than the blisters. We get to start solids soon. I can't wait. I'm experiencing breastfeeding burnout. And I don't feel like I can take much of a break because we went through a good bit of my freezer stash during the last round of blisters. I had also stopped pumping so now I'm only getting an ounce or two at my evening pumping, so it takes me 3 days to have enough for one feed. It's going to take a little while to build things up again.

I love having a smiling and interactive little girl. It makes everything so much easier. She may have been late to smile and had her parents worried, but she's making up for lost time and I'm loving every minute. It has done wonders for her daddy's mood, too. I can see him not wanting to leave her in the morning and soaking it up during the evening instead of trying to find excuses to hand her off. We're enjoying the reprieve between colic and teething. May it last awhile!

Tummy Sleeping

So, now that our little girl can roll over like a champ, she has decided that she likes to sleep on her tummy. The first few nights that she did this, we went in and flipped her back over before we went to bed for the night and she stayed on her back most of the night. But she figured us out quick. Now, as soon as I put her down in the crib, she rolls over. There's no stopping her and we just have to let her sleep the way she wants. I know I shouldn't worry so much, but I do. The public service announcements for "Back to Sleep" have been drilled into my brain. And then there is the drool problem. She drools and kind of sucks on the sheet, so I'm having to change them a lot more often, which is a pain. I need to find something else to put under her, but since she's sleeping on her belly, I don't want anything that could end up blocking her face in any way, so those small flannel pads are out and most of the other waterproof things I have feel way too scratchy to be by her face. So, for now, I guess I'll just pray an extra prayer before going to bed and change a lot of sheets.

Ups and Downs of Mommyhood

I have all sorts of blog posts swirling around in my head all the time, but finding the time and energy to write them down has been a challenge. If I could blog easily from my iPhone while breastfeeding, then I'd be doing it all the time. Oh well. So, here's a short summary of recent events:

Downs:

• My little girl has yet another cold. We knew it was inevitable when DH and I both got sick, but it's still sad.
• I have another bad round of nipple blisters. I really thought I had it under control. I went without the plastic nipple covers for 1 day and the next day they were back. It hurts. I hate when I dread feeding my daughter.
• I'm getting really tired of breastfeeding and feeling guilty about the fact that I'm getting tired of it. Besides the pain and blisters problem, I just feel so tied down lately. She eats just about every 2 hours all day and she's a slow eater, taking at least 30 minutes most feedings. There aren't many things you can do in an hour and a half, and breastfeeding in random places is boring and annoying a lot of times.

Ups:

• Our baby girl has come alive in the past few weeks. She's smiling and giggling and interacting all the time. Others may worry about vaccinations, but after both of her vaccination appointments, she had big developmental leaps. I realize they are likely coincidental, but it is pretty funny. I told DH that the next time we're worried about her development, we just need to take her in for a shot.
• My best friend came to visit this week. It was so nice to have a friend around to talk to. I really gotta find some mommy friends around here soon.
• DH and I had a date last weekend. We enjoyed being a couple again for awhile. It's amazing how things have gotten better with us since Sophia's attitude adjustment. Her smiles and giggles just make dealing with everything else so much easier.

Now that's a good day!

DH was off of work and it was rainy and cold outside, so we stayed together and enjoyed a lovely day as a family. Sophia was in especially good spirits. She was smiling and playing and having fun. At one point she rolled over from her back to her belly and got so excited that she laughed. What a sweet, sweet sound. I think DH and I both teared up a little. Then she rolled over again! She was so excited!

Of course, she realized that she could move by rolling over and cover some ground, so this means that we're going have to watch her a little more closely now - and the floor where she plays. I kept finding things on the floor in that area that could easily end up in her mouth. It's just the beginning, I know.

It was so nice to have such a calm and happy day. All the sleep stresses and other things happening in our lives have had me a little edgy lately. It was just what I needed so that I didn't completely lose my mind when she refused to nap this morning again. We might just make it, Sophia and I.

Four Month Check Up and More Sleep Struggles

Sophia had her four month check-up last week and did beautifully. She is a long and lean little girl. She's 25.5 inches long, which is the 90th percentile for 4 month-olds, and the 50th percentile for 7 month-olds! She's only 12 pounds, 8 ounces, though - the 17th percentile. She's a long, lean little girl. Her weight percentile has dropped since her 2 month check, but is consistent with her earlier weight checks, so we're not too worried, but will do an informal weight check in a month to make sure she's not falling further off the curve. I got nervous at first, with all our problems in the beginning, but DH assured me that there was no reason to be concerned.

Otherwise, everything checked out great. We're still a little concerned with her social skills. She smiles very little and isn't super interactive, but she does smile occasionally and interact with others, so it's not a huge concern yet. We just keep watching and encouraging her. She handled her shots like a trooper.

As for our sleep struggles - they continue. She's doing great at night and is no longer waking up multiple times. She still has trouble getting to sleep a lot of times, but it's getting better. Nap time is still a struggle, but I think it's getting better. I've decided to ditch everything from Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, because it was making me crazy. He basically was saying that you have to catch a magical moment of sleepiness in order to get the baby to sleep. Maybe other babies flash neon signs or something, but I can't find any such clues for our little girl.

Ferber's book makes more sense for our family and we're making some progress. he basically says that you decide what you want the schedule to be (allowing for developmental sleep needs) and just do it. Put them down when you want nap time to be, and they'll eventually adjust their rhythms to your schedule. To start, he suggested pushing things a little later than you expect to make sure the child is sufficiently tired. So that's what we've been doing and we've seen some marked progress.

She's still inconsistent - taking 20 minute naps sometimes and an hour and a half at others, but I think we're on our way, which makes me super duper happy. I'm in a much better mood and even DH commented that we were both in much better spirits. I hope it continues to get better and I don't have to endure 20 minutes or more of crying for every nap. It's hard on a mama to listen to that, but seeing her happy and playful after a good nap makes it worthwhile. She clearly was overtired before. And I'm not making myself crazy trying to identify her perfect sleep time and just making myself crazy and feeling like a bad mom because I couldn't find it.