July 21

We went baby shopping today and ordered our way-too-expensive stroller and did some other shopping. When my husband was signing the receipt, he asked for the date. July 21. Wow. It hit me hard. I didn't even realize it was coming. July 21st was the due date for my first pregnancy.

I can't say that I haven't thought about that loss. It's still with me often and, as much as I wish I could say otherwise, it has shaded this pregnancy and caused me to worry. It was much worse early on, but part of me still waits for the next shoe to drop, for something to go very wrong. I can only imagine what it must be like for those who had later or multiple losses. I only knew I was pregnant for a few days, but it was enough to have dreams realized and dashed.

I'm not sure how to even express my feelings about it right now. I started to say that I should have had a baby this month, but no, that's not right. It was not meant to be. But there is still a real feeling of emptiness today. It is, of course, tempered by the joy of the little Sprout dancing around my belly right now as I type, but it is there. I feel guilty that I didn't recognize that this day was coming, as if I have somehow not honored it properly.

So, I'm paying special attention to the little girl I have now, and thinking about those months ago when I was ready to give up hope. Every little life is a miracle and I've experienced two of them. The first was only with us a short time, but continues to bless us with greater appreciation for what we have, a stronger marriage, and much more empathy for those around us whose struggles we do not know.

Hello Third Trimester!

Wow! I can't believe I made it this far. It just gets more exciting every week. I've been awake since 4am because the little Sprout doesn't want me to sleep, but I've been enjoying her gymnastics. It's so nice to have that consistent reassurance that she's doing okay. DH and I both watched my belly wiggling this morning. It's the first time I could actually see her moving a bunch from the outside. Wild, for sure!

It's been a busy few weeks. First 9 of my in-laws came to visit. Then DH and I had a wonderful anniversary trip to Maine. The weather was crummy for most of the time, but it was wonderful nonetheless. Now, my father and brother are here visiting. I'm glad for the opportunity to see everyone, but DH and I will both be very happy when we can get back to some sense of normalcy.

While in Maine, I had the first stranger ask me when I was due and have had a couple more since then. I'm glad that I'm looking obviously pregnant now instead of the maybe-she's-pregnant-but-maybe-she's-just-a-little-round phase. Yay! I'll post a belly pic eventually when things calm down around here.

I've gained too much weight in the last couple of months. My doctor didn't say anything, but I know. I haven't been good with all the craziness and travel. I actually had a bit of a meltdown last night because DH said something to me about the whole bowl of cherries I ate (at least it was fresh fruit, right?). He didn't mean anything by it, but I just felt awful that I haven't been better about my diet when I know how important it is. He's vowed that we'll both do better from here on out. It's been kind of difficult with my dad and brother here since they are some of the worst eaters out there. I'm sure they feel like I'm depriving them when I feel like I'm completely indulging because I have things around I don't normally keep in the house.

Anyway, I'm really glad that I'm not working right now, but I don't feel like I've had much time to relax since school got out. When my relatives all leave, I'm looking forward to some time for myself and for getting serious about the baby preparations.

She's viable! And the family invasion

24 weeks now and a special milestone. Of course, we definitely want our little Sprout to keep cooking a lot longer. DH dealt with a delivery of a 24 week preemie yesterday and I could tell that it really worried him. But everything seems to be going beautifully right now.

I had a great trip to visit with college friends over the weekend. One of my friends has a 2 and half year old. She was the happiest, most agreeable two year old I think I've ever met. She definitely had her moments, but I was so impressed with my friend and how well she dealt with it all. I hope I can be as patient!

I've been having some strange aches and pains, but nothing terrible. My tummy hasn't been very happy over the last few days. I guess it's just all part of the fun. It makes it harder for me to prepare for the throng of people that will be arriving this weekend.

DH has invited his whole family to visit us every summer and his brother and his family (wife and 3 kids) usually come along with his father. Well this year, at the last minute, his two sisters and their families decided to come, too! There will be 14 people in our house. It's going to be interesting. We'll have 8 adults and 6 kids (ranging from 6 months to 7 years). At least it's only a weekend! I'm stressing out, but I know how much it means to my husband to have his whole family together. It will be a very special time, I'm sure. I hope. Pray for us, okay :)?

23 Weeks

So, I'm not thrilled with this picture, but my belly is definitely getting bigger! DH just called and told me to come outside because he had his tripod set up. Doesn't he know a girl should have time to prepare for a picture? Oh well.

It's been a lovely week of recovering from the school year. It's such a relief to be finished. I've watched way too many baby shows on TV and gotten very little accomplished, but that's okay. I have to be more productive this week. I'm leaving Thursday to go to a friend's bridal shower out of town. I'm still a bit nervous about flying, even though I know I don't have a good reason.

I'm debating between two different sets of prenatal classes and I need to sign up for one of them this week. There's a free one through a community organization that is longer (7 two hour sessions) and includes some breast feeding and child care topics and there is a shorter one (5 two hour sessions) through the hospital that basically only covers labor and delivery ( and is not free). It seems obvious, right? But I absolutely HATE being in a class/workshop/seminar that is not well done and I'd hate to be stuck. I can't find anyone that's done either class to give me a recommendation. The free one starts earlier, so I'm thinking we can sign up for that one and if it's bad, we can hope there's still room in the hospital class that starts 2 weeks later. DH is not terribly excited about any class but is willing to do whatever I decide.

I'm feeling pretty well these days. I'm starting to have a little trouble getting up and bending over. I know that it's only the beginning, though! I'm feeling her move a lot now, which is so much fun. I still sometimes feel like an alien has taken over my body, which I guess it has!

It's going to be okay...

That's the conclusion I came to after watching way too many baby shows on TV yesterday.  I've been so nervous about whether I'll be able to breast feed, whether I'll have to have a c-section, whether the nurses will give my baby a pacifier...(yes, I'm insanely paranoid).

Then I look at what some people go through and still end up with healthy, well adjusted babies.  I know that everything will not go according to plan, that there may very well be some disappointments, but I'm trying to keep things in perspective.  As long as our little girl is healthy, that's really all that matters.  I just have to remember to keep telling myself this when I get stressed out about which crib mattress to buy.

In other news...I'm done with school!  I finished up everything early and am enjoying my first days of vacation.  It's going to be very strange in August when I don't go back with everyone else.  I actually had a bit of an emotional breakdown earlier in the week.  I am absolutely 100% sure I'm making the right decision, but that doesn't mean that leaving the career I've worked so hard to establish for over 10 years is easy.  I don't know when or if I'll go back to classroom teaching.  It really is the end of a chapter of my life.  I guess it's kind of like graduation day. You're happy about where you're going, but scared about what lies ahead, and sad about what you're leaving behind.  

I'm trying to think of something nice to do for my husband for Father's Day.  And our anniversary is only a couple of weeks away, so I have to think about that, too.  I want to do something really special for our anniversary, but the things he wants are so boring (electronics, photography gear that I don't even understand).  I want it to mean something.  So, I'm stumped.  I hope I can come up with something.  I have a tradition where I always write him a letter about the year we've had and there will definitely be a lot to write about this year.  Maybe I should get started on that...

No picture yet.  DH was working all weekend.  Maybe I'll get one up later this week.  22 weeks now.  As a pediatrician, DH says this is the hardest month for him.  He gets nervous anytime I breathe loudly or wince when I get up too fast and pull those abdominal muscles strangely.  He says he'll feel better when I get past 24 weeks and the baby is viable, but won't really be calm until about 30 weeks.  I've been trying to talk to him less about my discomforts, because I can see him worrying.  I know that's how I was for the whole first trimester.  I've finally started feeling good about things and now he's freaking out!  She's kicking me and moving around lots now, though, so that calms us both down.

Happy summertime!

Surprise!

The teachers at school threw me a surprise baby shower today.  It was the nicest thing ever.  I couldn't believe all of the food and gifts.  People were so generous!  And this right after a faculty meeting where our principal basically said she couldn't tell anyone anything about whether or not they would have a job next year or what subject/grade level they would be teaching.  I guess it was good to focus on happy news after that.

I'm still overwhelmed by it all.  And it's fun to have some cute little girl things.  They invited my mom and she was there.  My husband enjoyed opening the presents all over again when he got home (they were mostly in gift bags).  It's nice to feel loved.  I truly never expected anything like this.  Maybe a card and a small gift certificate at the end of the year luncheon, but never something so elaborate.  I will definitely miss my coworkers!

20 Weeks update with pictures

So here are a few pictures from the last couple amazing weeks.  There's a 20 week bump picture and our favorite shot from the 18 week ultrasound.  How amazing it was to see her wiggling around in there!  And now I'm starting to feel her move and even thump me a few times.  Wow...this making a baby stuff is pretty cool.

My husband  is amazing.  I love him so much.  He wrote the most beautiful letter to our daughter.  I was crying when I read it.  He's going to be such a great daddy!  He has also gone baby crazy, pushing to register and decide on everything from car seats to wash cloths.  It's so cute!  We also ordered the nursery furniture, which made him very happy.  He was ready weeks ago, but I told him he had to wait until after the ultrasound to make any major purchases.  

One of my students finally asked me if I was pregnant.  She came up to me after class and asked, "There is a rumor going around that you are going to have a child.  Is it true?"  I told her that it was.  She congratulated me very calmly and then ran to discuss with the rest of her classmates.  It was kind of cute.  I could tell she had really thought out exactly how she was going to ask me.  So the word is out, which is kind of a relief.  Today, I posted a photocopy of an ultrasound picture on the board.  Believe it or not, there were still quite a few students who had no clue.  But they know now!

So I have 8 more days with students and 2 more weeks total of work.  The end is near, but there is a lot to do before then!