I'm a Mess

I'm a mess.  My desk is overflowing.  I can't find things.  I need to get organized.

But I'm trying to figure out how to walk the line between actually doing something about it and making myself crazy thinking about how I need to do something about it.  I'm never going to have everything neatly arranged, but something has to give because it's stressing me out.

I had this problem when I was teaching and I was, in time, able to figure out systems that really worked for me.  People complemented me for having such an organized classroom.  Ha!  What they didn't know is that I had to get things organized (and have my students take over a lot of responsibility) or I was going to drown.

I'm at that point again, but I haven't figured out how to fix it.  And just like my classroom, I don't think any one else's system is going to quite work for me, so I have to find the time to figure it out for myself.  I don't think I'll ever be clutter free, but I need to find a place where the clutter and lack of organization doesn't cause me stress.  All the changes in my life (motherhood, ministry) mean that what used to work doesn't any more.

So, now what?

First Day of School

So, our little Sprout started school yesterday. DH actually picked out the outfit. Can you believe it?

As predicted, she loved it and begs for "school please," when she's not there. It sounds like she wore her teachers out, though. It's going to take her some time to get into the swing of things. She has to learn how to use one thing at a time and put it away and participate in group activities. All of this will be great for her, but will take some time to adjust. She is attending a Montessori school, so I'm really excited about the chance for her to grow and learn at her own pace and get lots of individual attention. We think she will thrive in this environment once she figures out the structure and rules. I think it will take her a couple of weeks at the most, but we shall see!

I really didn't think I would get teary, but when I was talking to the director, I did tear up a bit. It's just hard to believe that she is so grown up already. She is an amazing little girl and I can't wait to see what she has in store for us next!

Preschool

Is this really happening?

I took Sprout for her preschool "interview" today at the local Montessori school. They officially begin at age 2.5, but they said that they would interview her and if she was ready, she could start a couple months early.

Well, I guess she's ready! She starts next week. It's so hard to believe that she's big enough to start school! She is going to absolutely love it. She loved the interview so much she's been saying, "school please!" ever since. I can't wait to see how much she is going to learn.

She has done a lot of Mother's Day out programs, which has been great, but I know this experience will be wonderful for her.

My Grandma

My wonderful, amazing, 91 year old grandmother died last week. While it wasn't shocking, it wasn't exactly expected either. I took Sprout with me up to New Jersey to be with the family.

My grandmother had a life full of love and adventure. She grew up in an Arizona border town, graduated from college, served as a cryptographer in the Army during World War II. After the war, she traveled and worked in the territory of Alaska, just for the adventure of it all, where she met my grandfather.

And that's only the beginning. I will never forget all of her stories. I am so glad that she got to spend time with Sprout and so sad that Sprout will not remember those times. But she will hear about her grandmother and hopefully I'll be able to pass on that confidence, love of learning, sense of duty, and adventurous spirit that made her so remarkable.

TTC

So, we've been at it for a year now with no luck. I'm starting to get really down about things not going as planned and this month I had really convinced myself that I was pregnant. Alas, 'twas not to be.

I have my annual appointment with my OBGYN later this month and we'll start talking about next steps. Technically, I should have made a separate appointment months ago (because of my age), but I wasn't ready for that and it took about a year to conceive Sprout, so I wanted to keep trying awhile longer. But now it's time to seek some advice and talk about our options.

I'm still not ready, but time is a-tickin' and we really want to add to our family. I'm sad and frustrated and a little scared.

Toddlers in Church

We leave Sprout in the church nursery on Sunday mornings and pick her up just before communion so she attends about 15 minutes of church. But she is a very active and verbal two year old and always had a lot to say. I worry that she is too distracting, that I should take her out, that everyone is staring at me and thinking that I'm an awful parent. But we persevere because we want her to experience church and she isn't bad at all. She just hasn't quite figured out the whole concept of a "quiet voice."

Last week she was especially wound up. Again, nothing terrible, she just had a lot to say and didn't care if the people in the choir loft could hear her. I was getting frustrated when one of the eldest members of our congregation, sitting right behind us, leaned forward. I don't know him well at all, and wasn't sure what he would say.

He told me not to worry so much. "We love hearing active youngsters in church. It means that our church is alive. It hasn't always been that way." I teared up immediately. It was just what I needed to hear and made me feel so good to a part of such a special and affirming faith community.

So today, I looked at Sprout differently. She still had quite a bit to say, but she was begging for her "Jesus Book" begging to go up to the front of the church for communion, pointing out the candles and the windows and the lights and the crosses. She kept asking for the Christmas tree that had been removed since last Sunday. She was, in many ways more present in church than me. She was taking it all in and noticing everything around her. When it was time to pray, she folded her hands and closed her eyes. When it was time to sing she jumped up and down with joy.

So we will still shush her and try to teach her proper church etiquette, but I'm going to try to take my fellow parishioner's advice and not worry so much and remember that she is showing everyone around her that our church is alive and growing and welcomes everyone - young and old, short and tall, quiet and loud.

It's been awhile

I know it's been awhile. I just didn't feel like I had a lot to say. Lately, though, I've had some ideas and actually missed blogging, so here I am.

Sprout is fabulous and amazing. She continues to memorize books, knows two verses of most Christmas carols and has taken a particular liking to walking backward. She is currently fighting sleep, but we are making some progress.

I've been busy with ministry activities and tutoring and trying to keep up with a crazy toddler. She may be starting preschool in the next couple of months, which boggles my mind, though I know she will love it. I'm 10 pounds up from my lowest Weight Watchers weight, so DH and I are rededicating ourselves to the program starting on Sunday.

We are still TTC with no luck so far. I have my annual GYN appointment at the end of the month and I'll be talking to my doctor about testing and next steps. I'm over 35 and it's been over a year. If we are going to need intervention, we need to start the ball rolling, but I'm not sure what we will have to do or how far we are willing to go. We will just figure it out one step at a time, I guess.

So there's the update. I hope you and yours had a safe and happy holiday and have a new year full of unexpected blessings.